


Mostly Het Smutshots, Drabbles, and Unfinished Filth

by HatakeSun



Category: Dragon Ball, Naruto, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan, 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant, Cheating, Crying, Cuck, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, F/F, F/M, Gen, Like, M/M, Multi, Nonsense, Objectification, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s), Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Punishment, Sex In A Cave, Size Kink, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Threesome - F/M/M, Tropes, Very Light Femdom, absolutely no context, but not really, every single trigger warning, feel free to turn these ideas into real stories, ignoring, is this what freeform means, legit scumbag raise your hand, literally none, reader has a pussy, things that are not sex, two dudes that dig dick, writing aftercare is boring
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:14:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22309222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HatakeSun/pseuds/HatakeSun
Summary: I still haven't learned how to finish a fight.These are a few smut-flavoured plot bunnies I was never able to wrangle.Stay tuned for some mostly het canon, fanon, xReader, and crack ship junk (with only the most minor of plot-adjacent things) eternal writer's block beat into submission after a few hundred words.Please be advised that this product may contain traces of triggers, whole triggers, and dead doves. Do not eat.1. One Word Answers with Uchiha Sasuke2. Pay Attention with TodoDeku3. Asking Nicely with Goku and Vegeta4. Conversations (Part One) with KakaSaku5. Conversations (Part Two) with KakaSaku6. Conversations (Part Three) with KakaSaku7. Conversations (Part FUCK) with KakaSaku8. Naruto Ideas Dump/Poop9. Bad, Cruel Girl with Ochako and...10. Overheard with Riren
Relationships: Haruno Sakura/Hatake Kakashi, Levi/Eren Yeager, Midoriya Izuku/Todoroki Shouto
Comments: 6
Kudos: 44





	1. One Word Answers with Uchiha Sasuke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Person with a vag and Sasuke have been travelling around for awhile, doing ninja things, presumably, and there has been some tension.  
> Sasuke isn't a very loquacious person. Tune in for a bit o' very light femdom, orgasm denial, also light (wow do I have a kink or what?), and maybe a little bit of wistfullness?  
> Hope you enjoy :)

The weather has been absolute shit, you are much too far away from home, and you're tired.

Your specific type of tiredness fills your body up to the eyelids with heaviness, threatening to spill over at any sudden movement. It is the type that only comes from being away from home for too long. You've found shelter, however temporary, inside a cave that boasts a relatively kind floor as far as dark, damp caves go. The ground is covered in a fine layer of soft sand that has blown in from the sometimes violent body of water just outside the cave's mouth, acting as a carpet to the rough stone.

“I'll leave when the sun rises. Go back... to Konoha.”

He doesn't call it home and walks back from the cave opening to start a small fire in the pit you have been busying yourself with creating. You nod at his words, offering acknowledgment, despite knowing that it is just as likely for him to have been speaking his mind to the wind as it is that his words were directed specifically towards you. 

Sasuke leaves, and Sasuke wanders.

It is as much a part of him to not stay in one place as it is to offer one word answers.

“Hn.” He says, proving your unspoken point.

Unknowingly, he affirms your thoughts, but it appears the noise he made was, this time at least, one of recognition rather than routine.

So he wasn't speaking to the wind after all, you think, as he sits down beside you in front of the fire. You watch him, and he is, of course, graceful in the tiniest of movements. Graceful on grand scales as well, but it is the smallest things he does that you have come to watch for.

The fluid way that his pale, long-fingered hands part his cloak and sweep it behind his back in a single motion. The way his limbs align effortlessly, simultaneously, into seiza as though he had been standing and then simply was not. He is silent in each action, where your own body creaks with the memory of past injuries.

His elegance and nigh-regal mannerisms would irk you greatly were the man not so deeply, fundamentally, and unflinchingly awkward.

You have learned that much like a breath, Sasuke's inviolable demeanor can only be held for so long. You notice him catching glimpses of you through his bangs as you sit silently together, basking in the heat of the flames, and you know that he wants to say something.

You also know that he won't without a bit of prodding.

“Tch.”

This sound can mean anything from 'you are an idiot' to 'nice work idiot,' but when combined with the deepening color of his face, you know that the proper translation is 'how dare you call me out on my shit.'

“If I wanted to say something, I would.”

It comes to your mind so quickly that you simply blurt out, 'no you wouldn't,' and it might be a preschooler's response, but that doesn't make it any less the truth.

“Are you trying to annoy me?”

He sounds bristly, but he is as tired as you are, and the look in his eyes is more playful than murderous. You are the first to admit that it did take some time and skill to notice the slight difference.

“As if you've ever needed to actually try to do that.”

He's right that you haven't, but wrong about your aim this time. 

You want him to admit that he wants you.

You want him to say that he's leaving and he doesn't know when he's coming, or where he's going next. To say that he wants to be as close to you as possible tonight, so that you both have more touch to remember each other by than the way his skin burned even under your nerves-warmed hands when you bound the wound on his thigh two weeks ago.

“What more could I have to say to you now,” he says, turning his eyes away while you inwardly congratulate yourself for not scoffing openly.

What more could a man of so few words and so many sounds have to say? After the months you have spent together, all of the shit the two of you have waded through. All of the looks, none of the god damned words. Yet, you have never enjoyed the feeling of regretting things left unsaid, so you answer him bluntly rather than teasing, and he parrots your words like he doesn't speak the language.

“I want you?” 

It sounds like a question spit out before taking the time to consider that you already know the answer, but he isn't the type to let anyone know that they managed to shake up that infamous Uchiha stoicism, and he manages to recover from his shock at your bluntness quickly enough.

“You're blurting out whatever comes to mind, as usual.”

You inform him of what his response implies, and it really shouldn't seem so scandalizing, but you would have to describe the Uchiha's current state as 'sputtering.'

“Hn. No. Didn't deny it. Didn't think I was making it as painfully obvious as you are though.”

Uchiha Sasuke is stubborn, closed off, and generally troublesome, but he is a stubborn, closed off, and generally troublesome man, despite the expectations his name burdens him with. He is a man who has just been given the go ahead to take something that he wants, and not unlike the way a child spins and sprints after being told they are allowed to go play outside, he reaches for you.

Doubling down on the 'unflinchingly' aspect of his socially awkward ridiculousness, he pauses to say, “if you're going to keep bothering me about it,” as if that would help him save face.

He is adorably hesitant. A stray thought reminds you that hesitancy could only seem adorable in this exact moment, when it is coming from someone who has the amount of raw power in their open palms that Sasuke does.

“Do you,” he seems to choke out, hands outstretched. “Do you want me to touch you?”

When you nod, he goes right for the tits, with both hands, and bit roughly. He is nervous.

You nearly laugh at the juxtaposition of his general demeanor and what you are seeing now, but there is an unmistakable hunger in Sasuke's eyes, and the feeling has clearly disrupted his strategically built walls, allowing a quiet, humming moan to escape from his lips. He takes a sharp breath in at the noise that comes out of yours, and looks into your eyes with his own, sharingan red.

“You like this?”

You tell him that you do through increasingly difficult to keep even breaths, and watch his pupils spin as he looks from your face to his hands.

“It feels... good?” He swallows.

You might have known, or at least safely assumed, that he would need affirmation in this particular endeavor. For all of his apparent cockiness, a fear has still dug its claws into Sasuke, of himself, or of what he could become, and maybe most especially, of how easy it would be if he were so inclined to make it so. You decide then to grab onto that fear and toss it as far from where the two of you kneel entangled as you possibly can.

He can retrieve it in the morning.

He stares wide-eyed at the way his own hands are caressing your chest, fingertips grazing across your hardening, unbound nipples and palming the weight of your breasts through your thin shirt experimentally. At the risk of him further soiling his delicate facade by drooling, you lean in and lick at his closed lips. He pulls back from you, hands pausing, then dives in headfirst for more.

When you break apart for air, you are as red-faced and panting as he is.

“You look so pretty,” he says, completely ignorant of his own appearance.

You tell him, honestly, that does too.

“Tch. I'm not pretty.”

He is predictably childish, but you shut him up easily with your mouth on his. It seems to give him the confidence to start exploring you with his hands.

He sighs into your open mouth while running his hands down your sides and you swallow the noise in a gasp of your own.

“I want you,” he mutters, sliding his hand around to press into the skin of your ass. “Fuck.”

You move your hand between his body and yours, running your palm down the front of his pants, and ask him if what you feel there is for you.

He moans, breath catching in his throat, and tells you, admits, that it is. You decide that there is nothing you want more right now than to see Uchiha Sasuke utterly out of his mind, and then you ask him.

“What do I want? I want you.”

You prompt him to continue with a single word, pushing your chest against his tighter, and pressing your hand harder into his erection.

“And I want your clothes off,” he breathes out.

He opens his eyes again when you push away from him slightly to start peeling off your clothing. Layer by layer, you hold his gaze, and he seems to realize that you are going to give him whatever he asks for, but he is going to have to use his words.

“And I want you to kiss me.”

Your naked body slides against the fabrics covering his as you wrap your arms around his shoulders, pulling his face down to yours. Sasuke's back tightens when your tongue slides across his throat, then from the dip in his collarbone up to his earlobe. His hum of appreciation tastes as good to you as the way he cranes his neck to offer you more does. Stretching up to satisfy your sudden urge to kiss the skin behind his ear, your bare, wet slit is pulled across his clothed hardness, and you both make needy noises.

“Oh, God. And I want you to stroke my-”

Your hand grips him tightly through his pants, and the sound that comes out of his mouth instead of the words he had intended sends a jolt of desire careening at maximum speed on a path that apparently leads directly from your ears to your pussy.

“My cock.”

Somewhat surprisingly, his moan is clearly one of contentment when you start to move your hand along his shaft. So this, at least, it appears he has had some experience with.

“Yes, that feels so good, god. Come on, mmmh, stroke it harder.” He slides his tongue in between and across your lips, and around your mouth without any apparent rhythm, groaning out his encouragements while mindlessly pressing himself into your hand. “Oh, you feel... mmm. Give me more. Fuck, I've wanted you for so long. You're doing so, so good.”

You think he might be getting too comfortable, uninhibited with his words as he seems to be now, so you urge him to lie back by pressing your hand to his chest.

“What are you planning, shouldn't it be me laying you on the ground?”

Instead of answering him, you start sliding his pants down over his thighs, freeing his erection slowly, until it pops out and slaps against his stomach.

“Ah, so embarrassing,” he finds time to say while the dark hair slips out of his face, revealing the rosy shade it has turned. The color urges you on. “Wait. What are you-”

You run your tongue from the base of him to his tip, pressing it flat against the thick vein running up to where his precome is visibly leaking. You glide your tongue around his cockhead, watching his eyes squint in strained pleasure, before letting him slip between your wet lips.

“Oh fuck! I haven't- ah! Your- your mouth is so fucking warm.” He can't seem to help but buck his hips up, trying to feel himself push into your throat. “No one has ever- ahhh. Gods it feels too good. More, oh fucking suck it deeper, oh God.”

His confession ignites your desire to see him ruined. You still the drag of your lips along his shaft, letting him set a pace with his own needy thrusting into your open mouth, so that you can watch him. When he isn't babbling incoherently, he bites down on his lower lip, and you notice the way his hands are trying to claw their way into the ground. You use your own hands to slide his shirt open and expose the entirety of his bare chest. Seeing the sheen of sweat and patches of blushed skin, you wish for the ability to watch this moment play out over and over again. It reminds you of his dark eyes, squeezed shut tightly. He whines unabashedly when you pull your mouth off of him, but you quickly grip the base of his cock tightly and tell him to open his eyes. He should be looking at himself, and how wrecked you've made him look beneath you. He listens without questioning you, for once, and the sound he makes leaves you wondering if you might be able to tease Uchiha fucking Sasuke into tears. You tell him that you've decided you want to hear what he sounds like begging.

“No, no. I'm going to come right now,” he half-demands while finally allowing his fingers to weave into your hair. “Oh my God I'm going to come in your fucking throat.”

It is clear he is about to snap, thrusting his hips up while trying to pull your head down deeper onto him, chocking out half-formed phrases between deep groans and whimpering little noises that almost entice you into changing your mind. Almost, because when you feel his legs go tense, you tear your mouth off of him with a slick pop, holding his thighs down with a knee placed gently at either side of his pelvis and hands holding his own above his head. He hardly struggles, only able to whine more as the dripping tip of his dick grazes your stomach, leaving cold spots of wetness across your body as he tries to rub himself to orgasm that way. The closer you lean onto him, the harder he tries to push his cock against you. You decide it's time to ask if his cock has been ridden before.

“No! I need- mmmahh. Fuck I need...”

Close, but you were quite specific with what you wanted to hear. Instead of giving him what he is too far gone to ask for with words, you straddle his hips and let his cock slide between your thighs. He is already so close, that even just that has his mouth hanging open, trying to push himself inside you and nearing orgasm again in just a few thrusts of his cock slipping between your legs.

“Harder,” he tries. “Squeeze my dick harder, I need to come.”

You comply and he lets out a high-pitched noise. When you strip all contact away from his weeping dick, his eyes water and cum leaks from his tip untouched. You remind him of what you wanted to hear while running the tip of one finger along his wet shaft.

“Please. Please, let me come for you.”

Luckily for you, Sasuke is too wrecked now to notice that his words have put you in a state not much better than his. Finally, you line yourself up with his thick tip, and allow it to slip inside.

“Fucking please! I want more, I need more, please. I'm so close, please let me come inside. Please fuck me. Let me feel it.”

You hold yourself up, bobbing the tip of him in and out of your pussy, watching him writhe beneath you, not knowing what to do with his hands and he tries desperately to maintain control of himself.

“I fucking want you, ok? I fucking make myself come to the thought of this, so please. I'm so close, my cock hurts, please!”

When you let your slit drop down and swallow him whole, his fingers dig into your hips and he screams. You realize quickly that you might have taken him a bit too far, because his eyes open and he _growls_.

“You. Fucking. Bitch. How dare you make me fucking, ahhhhn, fucking beg.” Your own moans now threaten to drown out his words as his hands lift you along his shaft. “Now you're going to take my come inside. Oh fuck, take it now.”

Sasuke empties ropes inside you, groaning and shouting expletives, eyes wet from the pleasure. He pulls you up and down onto his shooting cock roughly, punctuating each spurt of his seed with a hard thrust upwards.

You will let him relax, for a few moments anyways, as his come drips out of you and onto his own balls. He came so quickly inside you that you didn't get a chance to get off yourself. The thought only leaves you with plenty of ideas though, and a chance to catch your own breath.

“Interesting how talkative you got, Uchiha.”

“Hn.” He replies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rereading this, I think some parts of it would have worked better in like, a Bakugou thing maybe? I had this whole idea where Sasuke is a human being, like how filler sometimes shows when he's with Karin and them, and that he builds relationships somewhat the way a normal person does.,and while on some journey, he started working with this chick from I don't know, Earth? It was Earth in my head for some reason. Anywho, they kind of join forces to do a thing, and the story is just this fleeting moment in time, but about how significant things can seem during, then just become a memory you kind of wistfully think about once a year. So the story would have been kind of bookended or interspersed with Sasuke just going through like a regular day years later, recalling the events as he goes about his day, like oh this grocery store celery reminds me of that time *blooolooloo (flashback noise) *, and then he totally jerks it at the end. Hahaha


	2. Pay Attention with TodoDeku

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dom Todoroki ignores desperate Izuku. 
> 
> Read on for orgasm denial, saying the word 'little' too much, and not a whole lot more. What the everliving heck, two chapters in and I'm already proving the whole 'mostly' part of 'mostly het.'
> 
> Just imagine the aftercare yourself alright, thats fuckin' boring for me.

Shouto doesn’t really get people. Can’t figure out how to navigate them properly. Says the wrong things at the wrong times. Friendship, teams, god forbid a relationship, there are supposed to be rules, but they seem to constantly be changing from person to person, day to day. He can’t tell when someone is joking, when he is supposed to act angry or sad or laugh, can’t ever seem to pin down the facial expression people expect him to wear.  
This however, has rules. Rules that don’t change unless it’s planned and discussed. Here, he thrives. Able to be himself, natural.

Shouto stands at the end of the bed, having allowed himself to be stripped of his shirt. He was being lenient today. Hell, he always feels lenient with his latest little toy. Izuku is just so… cute. Currently, Shouto is looking down on him as he knees on the edge of the bed, licking along the hard lines of his chest and abs. He lets him worship. The little moans coming from his soft, little mouth… so cute.  
He can feel his cock beginning to strain against the seam of his black work pants, and Shouto’s desire to be lenient lessens the more Izuku rubs himself against his body. Sighing about his own apparent lack of control, Shouto asks Izuku to undress himself and sits down in the chair in the darkest corner of his dark room to watch.  
The moment they met, Shouto knew Izuku would put his perfect, calculated dominance to the test. He is tiny. Short, but sturdy with thighs that look thick on his frame and a soft, thin waist that flares sinfully, leading the eye to the round curve of his ass. The egregiously gorgeous ass that responds so well to a slap; the one Izuku is currently about to relieve of the tight white panties stretching over it. Shouto doesn’t allow it. “Leave them on.”  
Izuku removes his fingers from the band of his panties and stands, red-faced, in nothing but the stretchy white fabric. When he turns to look at him, Shouto’s eyes drop to where his toy’s hands are trying to cover up his cock. He looks up to his face, round and spotted with freckles, topped by a mop of curly hair, centered around a pair of big green eyes that are currently avoiding Shouto’s face. His toy is nervous, splotched with pink from the heat of it. How cute.  
Raising his hands above his head, at Shouto’s behest, makes it clear what Izuku had been trying to hide. Just touching his sweet, indented hip bone, a spot of wetness spreads out from where the tip of his pretty cock is trapped inside his panties. Shouto looks back up to Izuku’s face and very much enjoys the little noise his toy makes, having been caught staring, darting his eyes away from Shouto’s quickly. This is good for Shouto, he knows these cues, the ones that come unbidden and unbound by social expectations. He understands that his boy, his boy who is so cruelly cute, feels ashamed. As he should, leaking into his underwear without even being touched. Shouto allows him to writhe under his scrutinizing gaze for a few moments, rolling around an idea on his tongue before speaking.  
“You’ve been so good, Izuku. I work hard though, you know this. Long hours of frustration.” Izuku whimpers, and Shouto realizes that he thinks he is going to be punished. “No,” he starts, ending the whimpering. “I believe this works well. All that my toy needs is my body, apparently. I’m going to sit in this chair and do paperwork, and because you’ve been so good, I will allow you to take what you need,” he chuckles at the thought that begins swirling in his mind. “Like a slutty, desperate little kitten with a cock-scratching post.” Shouto watches Izuku’s eyes widen, brighten a bit. Who is he kidding, his cute, wet boy had been right to whimper. He is about to get punished. “I won’t even need to bother touching you. At all.”  
This is the realm of interpersonal interactions where Shouto never feels alien, or wrong. Dominating, punishing, commanding. For that reason, he has a deep appreciation for the rare specimens who have found their way to his dark room, like this perfect, cute toy he has just seeded with the beginnings of dread. The submissives, the masochists; the opposite side of his coin. These special creatures who accept, who desire, his true self — no forced expressions, no confused looks, nothing he can’t control. The ones who come looking to buy the only thing he has to sell. Symbiote.  
“Bring me that pile of papers and the pen now, toy. Then you can sit in my lap, rub your wet panties against me for a few minutes, and then go to bed when you’re done. I can see that you’re surprised at how kind I’m being, all things considered, but as I’ve said, you have been such a good boy, and my attention is needed elsewhere.” Shouto revels at the muttering, mouth-hung-open expression Izuku’s face has fallen into, finding out that his “reward,” is to be left untouched and ignored. Izuku is an especially needy toy, and Shouto knows, watching him absorb and follow his orders utterly crestfallen, that this will be difficult for him. Shouto looks forward to it, to when his eyes start to water. Wonders how long it will be before Izuku starts to beg and cry for him.  
He accepts his work, setting it up on the side table next to him, then Shouto spreads his legs slightly, patting his lap to allow Izuku, his cute, perfect little boy with his cock pink and pressing hard against the wet fabric of his panties, to climb onto him. Izuku moves forward, eyes to the floor, and straddles him. When he feels the soft, sweet press of his toy’s ass settle onto him, Shouto turns to his papers, clearing his mind to focus on not focusing on the boy.  
Predictably, Izuku begins moving on his lap, thinking he can tempt Shouto by dragging and bouncing his ass along his clothed cock. Control. He is committed to these acts, this art, so Shouto refuses to allow himself to harden. Whomever it was that crafted Izuku was also clearly a dedicated craftsman, but Shouto isn’t giving any clues, proven by his wriggling toy’s growing… agitation.  
Shouto could see the gears spinning in Izuku’s head, not that he would give the impression he was paying attention. He seemed to realize his little ploy wasn’t working, letting out the softest little growls of frustration, and after peeking up through his eyelashes as though not wanting to be caught doing something bad, Izuku leans a bit farther forward and brushes his tip against Shouto’s stomach. Getting no reaction, he does it again. Shouto ignores the sticky wet spot his toy’s underwear is leaving on his chest. Izuku appears to be alright, for the time being, grinding himself down onto Shouto’s leg and pressing his warm cock against him, dry-humping his shirtless chest to relieve pressure. Not surprisingly, his sensitive little boy gets a bit lost in it all, his arms find their way around Shouto’s neck, jostling him from his work slightly, and he begins rubbing himself in earnest. Izuku lays against his chest, using his hold around Shouto’s neck to drag his trapped, dripping erection between their bodies. Shouto doesn’t look at him writhing and trying to get himself in such a pathetic manner, so adorable, but he can hear Izuku’s breath quickening; can feel the warmth of embarrassment heating his cheeks and leaking from his tip.  
He can’t come like this, so Izuku grows frustrated again, big eyes darting back and forth from Shouto’s distracted ones and back down to himself. He is forced to hide a look of surprise when his cute little boy has the gall to push his own hand into his panties and let the tip of his sweet, slick cock slip out. His high-pitched moan gives him away, but Shouto won’t give in, not yet. He wants to see how far his toy will go. How naughty he will be. When Izuku stares him in the face, leans back on his hands and lets his spit drip down onto his pretty red tip poking out of his panties and begins to rub himself with two fingers, Shouto realizes the answer is very fucking naughty.  
Since they have been doing this together for a time now, Shouto knows that Izuku knows he is definitely not going to be allowed to come unless he is given direct permission, which clearly won’t happen if he is being ignored. However, Izuku also knows not to dare touching himself in Shouto’s dark room. Shouto’s good boy apparently thinks he can get attention by acting out. He is making the most pitiful, beautiful noises, louder and right in Shouto’s ear, when he full-on fists his dick and squeals, seemingly surprised by his own brazen action. Shouto is forced to steel his own reaction, his cock twitches slightly, but Izuku only sees himself not being touched, and with a move showcasing a severe lack of forward-thinking, lets his dick pop out of his panties entirely and begins fucking his own little hand directly on Shouto’s lap.  
Shouto can tell Izuku is edging himself, dripping all over his chest and black pants, groaning with frustration and moaning and squealing in pleasure. He had assumed there were limits to just how bad his good boy would get, until Izuku open his mouth.  
“I’m gonna make myself come, Shouto. I’m gonna, gonna put my come all over you, all by myself. I’m really touching myself really good, so if you don’t touch me I’m going to make a mess on you.” It was one of the most difficult moments since he began this sort of lifestyle, for Shouto to not react to that. Izuku was too out of his mind to recognize the centering inhale that promised much harsher punishment in the future.  
Tears start to form, wetting his cheeks, and finally Izuku begins to break for him. “Shouto. Look, look I’m making your pants messy. I-I’m touching myself so hard, I’m going so fast and I’m going to come, on you. Please Shouto, I’m going to make myself come, c-come on your chest.” He’s fucking up into his fist so quickly, eyes rolling back, when the tears start in earnest. “So close. Pleeease, w-won’t you just watch me come? Mmm-maybe I’ll make a mess of your mouth, Shouto-”  
Begging, tear-stained, and now making threats? Shouto does have his limits.  
Izuku shrieks when Shouto grabs both of his wrists and forces him to stand. Bare with his cock sticking out of his panties, arms held above his head, Izuku humps at the air and come drips out of his dick, landing on the floor between them. Shouto sighs. “So much for having a good boy,” he says, and Izuku produces a fresh batch of tears. “Hands and knees on the bed. Now. Face the wall and take your panties off. I won’t ask twice.”  
Shouto stands behind Izuku and admires the view presented to him. Tight round ass, smooth thighs and pretty, pained cock hanging between his toy’s legs. He unbuckles his pants and pulls his cock out and starts stroking himself to the sound of Izuku whining. He starts to turn his head, and Shouto smacks his ass hard enough that the scream tells him Izuku won’t try it again. He says nothing, doesn’t put his hands on him, just jerks himself roughly to the sight of Izuku leaking all over his own thighs and onto the sheets.  
Before long Shouto is close and starts pulling on himself rougher. He wants to dip his cock in Izuku’s hole, grip his thin waist and tug him by the hair along his shaft. Instead, he uses one finger to lift his ass further into the air, and Shouto sprays his come from the tip of Izuku’s pretty hanging cock, all the way up to his balls. Emptying himself silently, Izuku cries out, not being able to watch as his whole shaft is suddenly drenched in warm, sticky come. Shouto moves to the side of the bed, pecks the top of Izuku’s head, and reaches underneath to strap his hands into the cuffs there.  
He meanders back around, watches his seed drip down and coat his toy’s visibly throbbing cock, and then gently grabs him underneath his chin. “Don’t make a mess of the sheets.” The noises Shouto hears from the other side of the door, are just so damn cute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the heck. I was so close to finishing (lel) another story, and then this just came out of nowhere in one sitting. Honestly I haven't even really read it over since it just spurted out (lel) so fast.  
> 


	3. Asking Nicely with Goku and Vegeta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tune in for a cucky-threesome kind of thing, with zero GokuxVegeta because you know what, I just don't drink that kind of tea alright?  
> Its got the use of some foul words, inhumanly large schlongs (but not like those insane drawn ones where its like 'ok... but that just isn't scientifically possible'), a bit of side thoughts and distractions, and eventually complete devolution into just saying the same word over and over again.  
> Have fun!.. ?

“Listen to him Vegeta. He's whining.”

She can't help but watch Goku's face while he fucks himself into her; has seen him do things that are literally-literally, humanly impossible — and yet the minute his dick is involved, Goku is panting and sweating like a couch potato after New Years. Knowing all too well the damn hassle that is Saiyan hair means she will never say this out loud, but with his hair wet, running scarred fingers through the mess in a futile attempt to tame long strands bouncing free from their behind-the-ear prison while he fucks her... Goku looks absolutely  _ sinful _ . Even her traumatizing Saiyan-hair-related memories, courtesy of Vegeta, couldn’t ruin that.

“He's so big Vegeta. C-can you hear the sounds he’s making? He’s fucking me so well. I think Goku wants to come already, baby.”

Vegeta is nothing if not a practiced opportunist when it comes to quick n’ easy verbal jabs, nevermind the fact that he is already hard and dripping at the sight of them, the front his shorts straining as he exercises his  _ ‘infallible Saiyan willpower woman!’ _ in order to keep from stroking himself roughly like she knows he desperately wants to. Sure, she could have him sputtering in seconds if he were within reach, but it's not like she would take this away from him-

“Well that's too damn bad, isn’t it. A  _ real _ Saiyan would never be defeated so quickly. You sound pathetic, Kakarot.”

\- after all, fucking with Goku, no pun intended, is basically his favorite thing to do.

“Is your stamina so low that even my mewling wife can outlast you?”

They never got married exactly, her and Vegeta. They just are. It isn't something thought about — the idea that it could be any other way is nothing more than a silly, ridiculous notion.

_ Great. _ She thinks.  _ I'm starting to think the way he talks _ .

They understand each other. Designed that way, one has to assume. 

“But it's so tiiight 'geta…”

She assumes the petulant look on Goku’s face when he lolls his head back to look at Vegeta, and his whiny tone, means the latter has won? They both end up teetering on the edge of their own restraint, either way, and Goku makes a noise that sounds like it can’t decide to be pissed off, sulky, or insolent. 

“Shut the fuck up and fulfill your purpose Kakarot. Listen to yourself, moaning like an insolent teenager, trying not to blow his load in ten seconds. You’re here because of that freakish thing between your legs, not to provide a goddamn soundtrack.”

For some reason, Vegeta doesn’t manage to sound quite as threatening when his mouth is dry and struggling to catch breath; when his hands are visibly shaking with need. She catches his eye after catching his bullshit, and smirks. The knowing glance doesn’t last long, with Goku slowing his pace to make longer, deeper thrusts. He hits a place inside of her that she can tell contorts her expression, and when she opens her eyes Vegeta is staring back at her with the same ‘I-am-the-prince-of-all-Saiyans-and-I-am-about-to-fucking-destroy-you,  _ bitch _ ’ look that he gets when a fight is about to start. He’s pulled his cock out and seems to have a death grip on it now, so she knows the implication is probably spot-on. The longer he goes without breaking, the louder the snap. It’s like, science or something.

  
  


“Mmm'its so, so tight.”

Goku could stick his dick in pretty much anything and it would be tight. 

He’s practically holding one of the world’s wonders in his pants — but does that mean she shouldn’t take the compliment?

“So why the fuck are you looking at me then Kakarot you brainless idiot!”

Of course it doesn’t, and besides- 

“You're breathin' pretty hard yourself. Heh, hard.”

This obviously isn’t her first rodeo; it took time, communication, and about a gallon of 90 proof pure Appalachian moonshine her dad had stashed away in the basement for the three of them to get to this point. 

She does so enjoy watching them, but Goku pushes harder and it forces a gasp from her. The sound distracts them and the feeling of their gazes sets her on fire. 

Her back arches off the bed and Vegeta's low growling sounds out above Goku's high-pitched, struggling  _ mmm _ noises. When she opens her eyes again, she watches Vegeta’s hand run, gripped tightly, up and down his cock. He’s given in. He always gets talkative,  _ more  _ talkative, at this point.

“Fuck her deeper Kakarot.” He demands it, but Goku only whines in response, squeezing his eyes shut and ending his thrusts with a rougher push inside her. Vegeta leans down to her ear, his pumping fist and wet cockhead rubbing against her breasts. “You look like a whore. Using a toy to sate your neediness in front of me this way.” As her mouth hangs open in ecstasy at his words and Goku’s sharp thrusting, Vegeta takes the opportunity to slide his cock against her tongue and over her lips. “Stop trying to suck you desperate woman, I want to hear how good it feels to use him, while I’m using your mouth.” Her eyes burn when she looks up at him, “I know you want come down your throat, but I don’t remember asking you to beg, yet.”

Goku interrupts, announcing he is close with a syllable — “ _ ’geta… _ ”

“Have some fucking respect and ask her then. Ask my woman if she even wants your third-rate seed spilled inside her. You never know, she might want you licking it off of her instead. I haven’t heard her scream yet, maybe you’ll have to hold off and give her more. Though we all know how that will work out, right Kakarot?”

Goku makes the sort of long-winded humming noise you might make while covering your ears from a harsh sound, through gritted teeth, and fucks her almost angrily. He pulls nearly every inch of himself out of her before pushing back in order to keep himself from toppling over the edge too soon, but it doesn’t have the same effect on her.   
She loses her mind being taken two steps closer and one step back, over and over until her eyes are nearly rolling back and she starts chanting, begging, mistakenly for Goku. In all ways, Saiyans have the physical edge on even the most above-average human specimens, and so she feels the reprimand clearly when Vegeta silences her, quite effectively, by plugging her throat with his cock.   
After telling Goku to stop moving, to which he responds like a kicked puppy, he asks her, “have you forgotten, woman, who decides when you come?” The tear that blinks out of her eye has more to do with that then the Saiyan dick blocking her windpipe.   
People imagine Vegeta as being surly, but he just never hides his emotions; he very much likes the begging look laced with fiery contempt she levels at him, the grin on his face is all-too telling. When she tries to wiggle her hips forwards to force Goku back into moving, Vegeta’s hand is splayed across her collarbone holding her in place before Goku can even finish his groan.   
Vegeta’s voice is low. “And they say I’m the one who doesn’t understand human customs. Where is your politeness woman?” He pulls his cock from her mouth with a pop and she gasps. He takes her chin in his scarred hand and kisses the corner of her mouth, “say please.”   
Obviously, she doesn’t hesitate. “Go on Kakarot, she said please-” Goku’s tip is teasing her entrance and is then buried as deep as he can go. That was either a whole new level of ‘hard and fast,’ or he just instant transmissioned into her pussy.  _ Goddamnit Goku _ , she thinks, even as she screams in pleasure. His eyes are wide, staring down as he slowly pulls himself out of her, her lips desperately gripping for him to stay inside, and when just his cockhead spreads her, “Stop.”   
She kicks her ankles about like a child and hits the bed with her fists while Goku huffs. “Come  _ on _ ‘geta!” He only sees her, and smiles softly but chuckles darkly.   
“She only said it once,” Vegeta says offhandedly without looking back at Goku, and pushes his thumb between her lips to pull it down, then replaces it with his cock. “Have I told you, woman, that you’re a damn control freak? Here you go, total control. Just say please, every time you want to be fucked, and you’ll get it.”   
She is in love with a cruel bastard. When she tries to speak with her mouth still full of him, he smiles and sits back, clearly prepared to watch the show he directed. “Have you managed to grasp the concept, Kakarot?”   
“Sometimes you’re a pretty bad man ‘geta. You’re asking a lot, but I guess I get to fuck her only when she asks nicely?” She arches her back, spine tingling when Goku focuses all his attention on her with seriousness, “You  _ are _ gonna ask me nicely, right? I think you should say it a lot.” As though its a secret, he whispers, “I wanna fuck you hard; I’m gonna come real soon, OK?”   
“PLEASE!”

Before Goku can pull himself all the way back out of her, she’s repeating herself, needing it now after Vegeta’s relentless asshole-ery and Goku’s, Goku-ing. “Please pleaseplease please,” she’s starting on the next word before finishing the first, and Goku, on his knees between her legs, buried about half as deep as he should be, in her opinion, sits back on his heels and pulls her onto his thighs. The things she is muttering out now don’t exactly pass for words, but Vegeta seems to accept it. 

Goku kneels on the bed, facing Vegeta, and lifts her, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. Her legs tie themselves around his waist, her chest pressed against his, both covered in red and sweating. He licks her neck, using her ass cheeks for grips to grind her along him. He’s making sexy fucking Goku sounds in her ear, and she isn’t sure if she’s still saying ‘please,’ but she’s definitely thinking it. He doesn’t let up his pace, but bites at her throat, just beneath her earlobe, “you want me to come, right? S-say you want me to, alright?” Her walls clench on him as she edges closer, feeling how big he is, everywhere, and hard - also everywhere. He makes a strangled sound and pulls out of her, flipping her onto her hands and knees in front of him and is back inside, practically vibrating, just as quickly.

She’s half-drooling, but opens hazy eyes to catch Vegeta with his mouth open. She smiles at him while she gets bounced back and forth by Goku behind her, and watched his hand turn white gripping the tip of his dick.    
“Wait-” Goku is mutter his vehement disagreement before Vegeta can even finish the word, but he is mostly ignored. He grabs her ankle and flips her, legs dangling off the side of the bed, soaking wet, and he slips inside her himself. He angles himself using his whole body to fuck her just the right way, and rolls his thumb around her clit. She can feel when he starts to come, she can feel the first of her own coming when he pulls out. “You should be nicer to  _ Goku _ , honey.” He’s mocking her. Hardly finished blowing his load inside her, and he’s mocking her. “What? You’re going to come for me, after all the work he’s done?”   
Once he sits back down, Goku forgoes any showmanship and flings her onto her back, enveloping her entirely with his body, filling her just as well. His face is buried in her neck, arms holding hers to her sides. “Sorry. It’s not very fancy, but I really,  _ really _ need to come now, OK?”

“Me too, Goku.” Feeling his cock pulse inside her as he comes, brings her across the finish line easily.   
When they’ve caught their breaths and cleaned off, Goku stands. “Geez that was really fun guys. I better go though before Chi-”

“BYE Goku!”

“Get the fuck out Kakarot.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously Vegeta would never be a part of this, but he should consider it.  
> It took me a long time to realize that Goku is like the hottest guy ever, and now I'm single because no matter much I loiter around the gym I still haven't met a stupidly ripped guy who scratched the back of his head and giggled when I yelled lewd things out my car window at him. What the hell, gym guys?


	4. Conversations (Part One) with KakaSaku

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the thing that made me want to start this.  
> I'm such a hard KakaSaku stan, mostly because it was the first real sikfuk ship I got into, the first time fanfic truly blew my mind with how incredible it could be (The Window, House Calls, Stripped Bare, etc), and the first time fic genuinely altered my head cannon and understanding of characters. I mean, reading those led me to reading the single greatest fanfic ever written (fight me), which is obviously the Break to Breathe series by Okami Rayne. Anywho, an actual summary:
> 
> Read on for what it says on the tin, and poor formatting with no quotation marks. The end notes will explain more about the would-be story here.  
> There is a whole fucking lot of saying the word fuck, but no one gets to any fucking, and I guess some underage stuff? Where I'm from consent is 16 though so, your deal. Sakura is just shy of 18. I really hope this gets across with all the facial expressions and exasperated noises I imagined it with, but didn't actually write in. Good luck, have fun, you nice, keep going!

Oh my god. Oh my fucking god.

What?

Oh. My. God.

Sakura.

Oh-

Nope. No more of that.

Sorry. Sorry It’s just… you. You’re  _ into _ me. You. Oh my god.

Good god Sakura what the fuck. What are you even-

Oh don’t try and bullshit me Hatake, I just basically watched you drool a puddle onto your own shirt, which looks great by the way well done, but yeah. You are completely fucking into me.

Into you? Are we back in the academy now, Saku-chan?

Nice try, but if you want me to put in more adult terms I can. You, Hatake, are dripping, kind of literally, with the desire to have your hands, mouth, tongue-

Don’t forget feet.

-and feet. What? Ew! Your feet are like creepy, woodland witch feet or something, gross. Wait, stop fucking trying to distract me! Admit that you’re harboring secret perverted desires!

Sakura. What you’re suggesting is a dangerous accusation... socially. Not legally or anything. Just, you know, socially frowned upon, legally? Not even worth a slap on the wrist.

Wow. You’ve done research. You learned how to use either the library or a computer, not sure which is more unbelievable, to find out if it was legal, for you to fuck me. 

Wow is right! Sakura, I don’t know if you know this, but I’m like, a really high ranking member of government covert ops. I know stuff about laws.

Mmmhmm. You  _ know  _ stuff. About laws. Laws regarding the age of consent. For fucking.

Well no, it was more about the whole teacher-student, team member thing-

Ha! So you are a pervert.

I resent that. Don’t kink-shame.

KINK SHA-! Kink shame?! I’m not even 18!

I don’t expect you’re going to get a whole lot more mature in the next 11 days.

Whu! Fucking hell Hatake. When is Sasuke’s birthday?

Huh? Uh, Jaa- I mean Maarrr-? Twenty-four?

Wow. You are literally the worst person I know.

Ahh, those things are unrelated! I know Naruto’s birthday too.

Naruto’s birthday is a national holiday, but go ahead.

Go ahead what?

Tell me when Naruto’s birthday is.

Sakura come on this is ridic-

Even the fact that I’m not shocked isn’t shocking.

Look. We’re both, basically, adults here. I’ve seen you murder people. Like, a lot of people. I’ve been sprayed with the blood of people you’ve murdered on multiple occas-

Hatake…

Right, this conversation. I’m just saying, what's the big deal? So what if I’ve imagined… things. It's not like I’m the only one. I’m just the only one you can nag about it.

Imagined… things? Oh my god.

Not this again.

Oh my god, please tell me you haven’t. I can’t, oh my god-? Why are you shaking your head no, but making the face you make when you think you’re about to get away with a really obvious and or stupid lie?

That's... offensively specific.

Oh my fucking god, you have! Kill me now, my fucking teacher jerked off thinking about me. Someone call Chris Han-san.

Whoa! That’s way too lewd.

So you didn’t do it then?

Well. I just mean what you said is really lewd. You practically screeched it.

Kill me.

Sakura, I really appreciate you being honest with me, but I think we can move on from this. I’m a man, you’re a woman… a really young, really sexy, strong woman who seems to have a proclivity for tight pants, yoga, and punching men in the face… but it’s not like anything is going to happen between us?

Why did your voice go all high-pitched? Was that a question?

No?

You are insufferable. I can’t believe you would even consider-

That’s it. I didn’t think it would come to this, but here we are.

Oh great, what now.

Six weeks ago-

No…

Yes! Six weeks ago, when we were coming back from that mission in Mist, we  _ all _ had to stop for almost a whole day when we were just a few hours out from the gates, because _you_ ran face-first into a tree, broke your nose, and got knocked the fuck out.

Hang on-

Now, it wasn’t a  _ small  _ tree, Sakura. I’m pretty sure you were able to  _ see  _ the tree. Why then, did you run  _ into _ the tree?

Like I said before to all of you assholes, I slipped.

You sure did. Why did you slip? I thought you were supposed to have  _ the best chakra control since Tsunade _ .

First of all I don’t appreciate the mocking tone, second of all I DO. 

And third of all?

Lastly! I… was distracted. Very briefly.

Distracted by what?

I hate you so much.

I’ll write about it in my diary. Distracted by what?

It’s incredibly unprofessional to be out of uniform during a mission you know, I mean who even acts that way? The shirt is literally  _ made _ to absorb sweat, not to mention protect from the elements and stray branches.

Oh I see, so you were concerned about me.

Yeah. Of course.

So you didn’t slip while running at a leisurely pace and break your own face because you were distracted by sending fucking-intent in the direction of my shirtless back?

Tch. Obviously not. Stupid.

And Sasuke didn’t scald himself with boiling water while trying not to laugh when Sai asked you if you had been working on a new medical technique that allowed you to heal by using your eyes?

I don’t remember anything like that...

And Naruto didn’t start singing a little song about you being a pervert because it was so obvious?

That, doesn’t sound like Naruto.

So it didn’t go  _ pervert, pervert, Saku is pervert _ ?

Well if he did it's not even a good song.

Really? I heard he was up for a Leafy for the album version.

Alright fine! But that is completely different. It’s no fucking secret your body is like, sculpted from fine clay or something, and I’m not even distracted that much when you’re all tan and wet… what are you doing?

Hm? Oh. I’m just looking for my pen so I can remember  _ exactly _ how you said it.

Oh! Yeah? Well, I’m gonna just, go home and think about, doing things to your back! Like, scratching it and, stuff like that... the look on your face tells me this reverse psychology plan isn’t working.

Did you think that it would?

No.

Great. Well it’s settled then. I am man enough to admit that from time to time, on very rare occasions, I admire the way my adorable former student has grown into an attractive young woman, and you, are a mouth-frothing, predatory pervert who I don’t report because you’re mostly just a harmless admirer. A danger to yourself more than anyone else really, and if I'm being completely honest, it feels rather nice to be desired at my age, you know? 

I know I always bitch at the boys, but I honestly would feel pleasure from hurting you right now. Like, maybe elation would be the right word?

Alright! Alright, it’s a joke… you’re definitely not harmless. Either way, I know that you know that I know that you know that we both think about doing naughty things to each other. Gai’s student has been sniffing at your heels for the better part of a decade now, and you seriously do not want to know the things I’ve heard, and seen, shudder, Naruto doing over the years.

I’m going to just let that statement just pass right by. Didn’t happen, conversation over. Also, don't _say_ shudder. What are you, a fucking sociopath? 

I know right? So it's really no big deal. Neither of us are going to act on it, its just a subtle, on my part anyways, admiration of the opposite sex. We could be anyone.

Alright. OK. You’re right. Well, mostly. I mean its true, could be anyone. Just uh, keep it to yourself or whatever.

You mean you don’t want hourly updates on whether or not I’ve thought about what your hand might look like on m-

NOPE! I’m fine. Without, any of that. At all.

That’s good, because I’m not sure you’d be too happy with my latest report.

You’re a loser, Hatake. Just shut the fuck up and let’s get back in there.

I'd like to point out that you said pleasure a few seconds ago and I didn't even mention it, so which one of us is really the loser?

Still you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So everyone knows this trope. Two people like each other, but they act like dicks thinking the other person doesn't like them back, until everyone dies (I think that's how it goes).  
> I've floated this idea for a KakaSaku story around in my head for about 6000 years, where pretty much as soon as it comes up, they confront each other. Headcannon, these are two people so close they are aware of the other person's bowel movements. (I hope for everyone that you have that friend, who you're just like, "man, I haven't shit in two days," and they're like, "what the fuck is wrong with you, and also do you need me to give you an enema?")  
> Anywho, so they confront each other, decide nothing will come of it, but life gives them the finger and keeps putting them in these over-the-top ridiculous trope-y situations (omg I tripped and now I'm straddling you, oh my god were trapped in an elevator together, omg I hurt my weener and you're a weener doctor) until they just can't ignore it anymore. There is something really attractive about wanting someone so badly that you almost can't control yourself, ya know?
> 
> With any luck, you lol-ed. ;)


	5. Conversations (Part Two) with KakaSaku

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Read on to get a bit closer.
> 
> You know, this might seem kind of rapey, but it's not. I mean in another context maybe probably, but it's just teasing. Fun to be had by all.

I’m a good person, aren’t I?

I’m ninety-nine percent certain I could answer that question better if the kunai in your leg holster was just a  _ bit _ farther away from my balls right now.

I do charity work, you know. Kids like me, and I’m a doctor. Kids hate doctors.

I also hate doctors.

I know! Sometimes I pay for the person after me at the grocery store too. Anonymously!

Seriously? Wow, when are they sainting you?

Probably not until I’m dead. Last week, I only smacked Naruto like, six or seven times.

I think you’re forgetting about when-

God damnit Hatake! Stop fucking shuffling about like a damned tourist with a cane. I’m just trying to figure out why. What could I have ever done to deserve this?

Well, there was that time you put the bottle of green dye in-

Oh please, that was practically divine retribution.

Sure thing Haruno.

Didn’t I tell you to stop fucking moving around? And why are you so wet?

Ahh, haha, you see-

Nope. I don’t even want to know. Just stand still. I’m turning around so I can see if I can push this fucking thing-

Gently!

-push it fucking  _ gently _ , out of the way. How does something like this even happen?

To be honest, I don’t think the chain of events could be described in words.

Well that makes perfect sense. Now, let me just-

Ow. OK, umm you don’t actually  _ need _ a spleen, right?

Fuck, I’m sorry it’s just this fucking-

Sakura.

This piece of crap, damned-

Please stop doing that.

Stupid, shitting, ahhhh! Why!

I feel like you should have a wider breadth of knowledge of human anatomy, since you’re a doctor and all. And a saint possibly?

I  _ meant _ why the fuck won’t this thing move, not why is your dick hard.

Hm. So it is.

I want you to know that I have a very unattractive, mean look on my face right now.

…

Don’t.

I didn’t!

I swear to god.

Wowthanksfortheupdateonyournormalface. Sorry. Ow.

That was my elbow. You don’t want to know what I could do with my heel right now.

Or do I?

You don’t.

Fair enough. 

So… you’ve been uhm, doing squats?

I hate you.

Fine. Then we just won’t talk. Zero conversation, both of us will just stand here in complete silence, with our thoughts, until someone comes to rescue us.

Sounds great. Maybe you can think about sports. Or the weather.

Good idea. It rained once when I went to watch a lingerie football-

Do not finish that story.

…

Don’t think about it either! Uhg! That’s fucking it. It's hot as Madara’s balls in here, I can feel you breathing your stupid hot breath on my neck, and to top it all off, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Thinking about Madara’s balls might actually help, but also… do you want the list chronologically, or maybe I can mix it up like an M. Night Shyamal-san movie?

What kind of person would make you look like, you, and then also give you a dick that feels like, that? How is that fair to anyone? I know for a fact you are  _ not _ that good of a person.

That definitely won’t help.

My feet are falling asleep. Is this hell?

If it is, it's almost exactly how I imagined it would be.

Look, I know you’re always saying  _ don’t smell people you psychopath,  _ but I know what your panties are going to look like when we get out of here.

Could you have possibly said that in a more creepy way?

Uh, yeah? Of course. Anyways, you also are aware, obviously, of my feelings regarding our current situation.

Mmmhmm…

So… we could help each other, you know... get through these trying times.

Yeah, no.

What? Why? It’s a mutually beneficial arrangement!

Well for one, I hate you.

That didn’t stop you from going home with K-

FOR TWO, then what? Huh? I just let you slide my skirt up over my ass, push my underwear aside and start shallowly fucking me until we both have what I imagine would be the best orgasms in our lives? What happens when we finally get the fuck out here, huh? I’m sure that won’t be weird at all.

Sorry... what was after the part where I slid your skirt up?

Ahhhhgggg!!! That’s it I’m destroying this goddamn thing I don’t care how important it is!

Faa-uck, Sakura. Ahh.

Shit, did I hurt you?

Yes. Hurt.

...I’m going to strangle you now.

Ah, fuck, Goddamn-Sakura. Ow!

Any last words before I watch the life fade from your eyes?

Gllchchgggllkgy

What?

Ack, fuck. I  _ said... _ oOoOo, kinky.

Oh, no. Nonononono-

What?

My feet, I can’t feel them at all, I’m gonna, I need-

What do you need, Haruno?

I need, you, to holdmeup.

Whats that?

Hold me up you fucking oaf!

Anything you need. Maaa, just before I pick you up though, fair warning, I have an erection. Currently.

Please, stop speaking. Ow! What the fuck?!

Sorry, I was trying to do that lip-zipper thing but your  _ you _ was where my hand wanted to be.

Alright. Take off your belt.

Really?

Yeah. I want to hang myself with it.

I’m starting to get the feeling that you’re just not that, dare I say,  _ into _ me?

We are not having this conversation again. Especially not… like this.

You mean stuck together, only separated by a thin layer of clothing?

Do you think life is just one long Icha Icha novel?

Only in my sweetest of dreams.

Gross. What are you doing?

Uhh, I’d like to preface this by saying muscle is heavier than fat.

God you are such an asshole.

Just, here- lean back against the th-

Ahhnnmmmm... oh.

Wow.

Please don’t move like that.

Like this?

Hnnnmmm! Yes!

Or was it this way-

Fu-uck! Please-

Since you asked nicely…

Hatake, this is so stupid, please. It’s not fair.

What? Doing this-

Mmmnnn, yes, god damnit. That.

Why?

-s’it feels good.

Feels good, Sakura?

Mmm, yeah. You feel, feel so good.

So do you. You’re dripping wet just from that, aren’t you Sakura?

Ye-yeah.

Are you wondering how quickly I could make you come like this?

I could guess.

Do you want this? You want me to get you off? Push your panties to the side just like you said, fuck you deep so you can come filled up with me? Fuck. Keep making those sounds Sakura, and I swear I’ll make you scream my name.

Holy  _ fuck _ Hatake, y-

“TA DA! ...what. What? WHAT in the ever-living FUCK are you guys- oh my god! Were you? Ah!”

“What are they fucking or something Dobe- oh my god. Were they?”

“Ahhhh!”

“Were you two fucking? What the hell, were you going to-”

“Ahhhhh!”

“Was he just? Was she going to? Eughh, oh my god.”

“AhhhhhHhhhhH!”

SHUT THE FUCK UP NARTUO!

Two lessons today, Naruto, Sas-kun. Lesson number one, I need to talk to Iruka because you all should have much broader vocabularies.

Oh my god.

Exactly. Lesson B, Sakura and I were not  _ fucking _ , as you both so crassly put it, we were m-

“I’m literally about to throw up.”

“Ah?”

We were not fucking you stupid shits! My feet were asleep! Also, where the hell have you two been?! We have been stuck here for like, twelve hours!

“I saw him at Ichiraku at ten, and you blew me off like, 45 minutes ago to come here, so…”

Whatever. I’m going home to have a shower. If I see any one of you three again before this day is over, I will castrate you all. Slowly.

Bye-bye, Sakura-chan!

Fuck off!

“Wow. What the hell did you do? She seems extra, Sakura-ey.”

Boys, come with me. We’re going to do some training exercises.

“What? Why? What the hell did  _ we _ do?”

“Yeah. I’m going to be sick.”

“What? What did I miss, I don’t get it.”

“We cock-blocked him, idiot.”

“Oh my god. I-I don’t feel good. Are you saying, does that?”

_ Any _ ways! You two run along to the training grounds. I’m going to go find my old friend Might Guy, and his students, and I’ll meet you there in say, an hour? You guys should be able to get in, oh, 20, maybe 30 laps around the village by then, yeah?

“Oh my god Sasuke, you’re right. We did cock-block him.”

“Tch. Believe it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got two more parts like this, then on to the next thing.  
> Best wishes for a moment of distraction.


	6. Conversations (Part Three) with KakaSaku

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow that got, really out of hand.  
> For extra fun (questionable), google translate the Japanese names. ;)

Oh! I forgot to tell you! Do you know what Ino said to me the other day?

Umm, something makeup, booze, forehead something-something?

Hey, shut up! This was in between those things.

I’m at the edge of my seat.

Do you need to practice being this annoying? She  _ said _ , we should get it out of our system.

And she meant, obviously... the fucking?

Yes, Hatake, good god. The fucking. Can you believe that pig?

Well…

Oh my god. You don’t actually think that’s a  _ good _ idea?

Well…

Wow. 

Sakura, look at what has been happening to us lately.

Well, sure. But- Wait! Hang on, that’s not how this works! Don’t you  _ dare _ start flashing bac-

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Tsunade Shishou. You know I would do anything, have done so many things already actually, for the good of the village, but this? With him? No. No  _ fucking _ way.

Maaa, I don’t see the problem, in service of Konoha, of course.

“I refuse to deal with the inexplicably large, astoundingly steep  _ mountain _ of issues I have with both of you right now. Just, get out of my goddamn office. NOW!”

Err, but are you saying we  _ do _ need to do this, Shishou?

“Yes!”

OK! ...its with him still though, yeah?

“Get. The hell. OUT!”

Is this a joke to you?

More like, a really fantastic prank. 

You know that this doesn’t make any sense whatsoever, correct?

Hmm...

Oh! Yeah, no. You’re right. Two of the most recognizable ninja on the planet, sent to infiltrate a ring of drug dealers. Undercover.

Facts check out.

And the only  _ possible _ way we can do this, is if I am moonlighting-

Mmhmm…

-as a stripper?

There you go. That’s my favourite part.

How about I just kill them? Seems significantly easier.

We  _ can’t _ just kill them because-

You know what! I don’t care. The universe despises me, is obviously in debt to you or something, and this is actually fucking happening.

I know, it’s crazy.

You’re goddamn right it is.

I’m so excited.

Of course you are.

  
  


“Seems you’ve got a thing for that little pink one, eh Eiriasu? Bwahaha!”

Maa, how could you tell, Mayaku no Bainin-sama?

“You haven’t taken your eyes,  _ eye _ , my apologies, off of her for the past week. I’ve had enough of it, you damned cheapskate. Pinky! Bring that ass over here.”

Yes, Mayaku no Bainin-sama?

“My friend Eiriasu here, he’s a bit soft on you, or hard rather, bwahaha! Unfortunately, he’s one of the cheapest pricks I’ve ever had the misfortune of working with. So you’re gonna give him a dance, alright? Put it on my tab.”

Uh, Mayaku-sama, I don’t-

You are too kind, sir. The gesture will not be forgotten.

...Really?

Oh yeah.

This is, this is what we’re doing now.

“Is there some kind of problem he-”

No!

AbsoLUTEly not, sir.

“Well get to it then, damnit. Maybe this guy will finally stop looking like he’s about halfway to falling asleep for once in his life.”

Oh yeah, of course. I’ll just. Give a lapdance, wearing what basically amounts to 6 spaghetti noodles, to H- uhh, what was your name again?

Eiriasu.

Really? Uhg. Umm, maybe we can take this to a back room-

“Whoa, I’m not paying for that. Just make it good, and you might actually be able to pry some of that money out of his pockets, bwahaha!”

I’m uh, I’m going to get on you now. Just uh, sliding into your lap. I’ll just put my hands on your-

“Do you normally give a play-by-play Pinky?”

Yes! Oh, my apologies, Mayaku no Bainin-sama. He just uh, seems incredibly nervous-

Not at a-

INcredibly nervous that I might injure him,  _ severely _ , if he does, anything. At all.

“Uhhh, alright?”

So then I’m just going to whisper- Eiriasu!? Seriously!? How fucking stupid are you?

I don’t know. A lot. So much, stupid… ing. You’re pretty good at this. I should have paid for a dance days ago. Damn.

Obviously! I’m fucking good at everything. And you are an absolute loser.

I’m. I- wow. I’m so fucking hard right now…

Plus, this isn’t exactly rocket surgery. It’s not like I actually need to do much.

So hard…

Just a little up and down, chest to chest. Put my fingers in your hair- wow. You need to use more conditioner. Like, all of the conditioner.

Oh god. Painfully fucking hard...

Besides, I usually just give an insanely high price and ninety-nine percent of the old fucks aren’t even willing to pay for it, so I haven’t had to actually do it that many times.

I didn’t even know it could get this hard...

Then before you know it, the song is already over, I’m 100 bucks richer and- oh my god. You’re hard.

Oh yeah. Incredibly.

I wonder…

Yeah. For sure.

I mean you’ve either been here with me and him, or at the inn, also with me, for the past two weeks straight.

Mmff. Totally.

I know  _ I _ haven’t had a chance to get off.

Yeah. Keep doing that.

I could probably get you off like this, huh?

Absolutel- what? Hang on now-

Hahaha. What? You mean you don’t want to sit here with come in your pants like a teenager for the rest of the night?

No. I mean, fuck. I don’t know. Yes? Damnit. Right now, I just-

Shhh. It’s totally fine. Just sit on your hands.

I want to touch you.

Tch. There are rules here. You want me to stop moving?

Fuck no. Sitting.

Hold your head against the back of the seat, I’m gonna use you a-

Hmmm, ah…

You are an absolute pervert. Is this working for you?

I really want to touch you.

You know, I really didn’t think I’d be into this kind of thing, but I’m not going to lie, it’s kind of doing it for me.

I’m gonna touch you now.

No! Stay just like that.

Rrrrrr...

There you go, good boy.

Ohhh fuck, I’m gon-

“EVERYBODY GET DOWN!”

Hnnnmmmggg, fuck! Why!

Hatake! Pull yourself together and get down here. Oh. Oh my god. I wasn’t even? You know what, just, this didn’t happen. Mission mode, you fucking virgin.

‘Nmmfkngbn.

Shut up! What?

I said I’m NOT a fucking virgin!

“Uhg. They’re over there.”

“Kakashi-sensei? Sakura-chan?”

Sai, Naruto! Are we good to go with Stage 4?

“Err, well.  _ We _ are, is he?

Huh? Oh! Yeah, he’s fine.

I’m really not.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Before you ask, I’m not going to tell you.

Hatake, I  _ literally _ need to know how-

Too bad. Just do your shitty, horrible doctor stuff, and don’t ask questions.

Damnit! I really thought that would work. The nurses would have probably made me their new god if I could have told them.

And this is why I hate hospitals.

Really? I was sure you hated hospitals because of the terrible news, painful memories, and loss that you relate to being here.

Nope. Turns out it's just gossipy nurses.

Cute. I need you to remove your clothing and change into this.

Is that your doctor way of saying you want me to strip? Haha- ow.

Uh, yeah. It's  _ the _ doctor way of saying that.

Don’t look.

Is that a joke?

No. Didn’t you hear? It hurts me to laugh.

Right. Fine, I’m turning around.

Good. No peeking.

You are an actual man-child. So… how did this happen again?

Did I not teach you anything about being sneaky? I’m an even worse teacher than I thought.

Well, that would make sense seeing as how you are the actual worst teacher in the history of teaching, but we forgive you. Hurry up so we can get this over with.

Hm.

What? Something wrong?

No. No, it’s just... that’s pretty much the last thing I want to hear while I’m in the process of taking my dick out.

Are you sure? What about ‘oh my god, what  _ is _ that?’ 

Ha- ow. True, that would be worse.

Where is it?

That too. I’m all set.

Oo! What about- holy  _ fuck me with a broom _ .

I don’t have any problems with that one… I think?

Sorry! I mean, good. You’re good to go. Ready for, uh…

The treatment?

Yep! You’re really definitely ready for that now. Since your, you, is right, you know. There.

Yep. There it is.

Just umm, one second. Stay there.

I wasn’t going to run like this.

Heh.. eh, heh. Right. Be right cock! Ah! I mean back! I’ll be right back.

Whew, sorry. I’m back.

I heard you yelling in the hallway.

Pshhwhhaaa? No. I wouldn’t do that.

Sure. Must have been someone else saying  _ I’m the head of this goddamned department and you WILL find someone else to do this gods forsaken exam in my place _ .

I do not sound like that.

Remember how I’m suffering?

Fuck. I’m sorry. I’m a professional. I can do this?

If you’re asking me, I’m only going to say that I seriously hope so.

Of course I can do this. Just, lay down.

I’m already-

Right! So. This is your penis.

This isn’t unsettling at all.

Alright. Now, let me just look- oh my god!

Fantastic.

How the FUCK did you do this?!

I already said not to as-

You know you’re going to need stitches, right?

Whelp! This has been fun, see you later, I’m just going to-

No you damn well are not. Stay right where you are and I’m going to give you something to stop the penis- I mean pain! Stop the pain.

The pain, in my penis.

Right. Now just, close your eyes and think happy thoughts, alright?

…

Not THAT happy you fucking idiot!

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Sigh.

What? Is it about the whole, this situation?

Your dick is touching me.

Despite what you may think, it isn’t on purpose. Although-

Don’t finish that sentence. Why is that again?

It’s ridiculously crowded, I literally cannot take my dick off of you. Heh.

Right. Why wouldn’t it be this crowded in the square on a Tuesday night?

There’s a festival tonight.

Of course there is. It isn’t like the universe is literally creating absurd situations seemingly for the sole purpose of putting your dick on or around me.

I wouldn’t think so.

Yeah. That would be insane.

Pretty much.

...aaaaand here come the people who are going to constantly bump into us while trying to escape from this mad sardine can for the next twenty minutes. 

I’m sure it won’t take that lo-... ong.

How long do I have until you’ve got an embarrassingly public erection?

You don’t think very highly of me, do you Sakura.

Hatake.

Mmmhmm?

I can already feel it.

Hm. Looks like you called it.

Hm.

Yeeehhhhhp.

Alright.

So. You uh, you were just getting some groceries, huh?

Is this the actual conversation you want to have right now?

Depends. Do you want to talk about what you’re absentmindedly doing with your fingers right now?

I was out of milk.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

At this point, I’m not sure which one of us it is that the universe has something against.

I know.

Really, who?

ME! Obviously me! 

There is a chance this is a total coincidence.

A coincidence?

Well, yeah.

So you think that just by chance, you and I, not some other random people. Just Hatake and Haruno, out for a run. At the same time.

Very coincidental.

Sure. Not like I have been running at this time for, I don’t know three, maybe four years, and have not once seen you.

Ninja.

Sure, why not. So here we are,  _ coincidentally  _ out running at the same time, and this happens to be the time some random nin, who honestly? They aren’t even wearing a headband, but anyways. Some rando piece of shit comes upon us, and has what. What would you even fucking call this?

Uhh, sticky… sticky purple stuff?

Sticky sticky purple stuff?

...Super sticky?

They call him a genius everybody. Right. Well it only makes sense in this extremely coincidental situation, that we end up stuck here on the ground with you over top of me, shirtless-

Running.

Right. So I’m lying here with you on top of me, shirtless and sweaty between my legs, looking like you just walked out of a Calvin Kurei-san ad, me having said to myself this morning, you know what? I’m going out tonight, it’s been too long since I’ve gotten laid.

And you call me a loser.

THEREfore I know for certain, it is me who is being punish- what are you doing?

Nothing.

Are you… flexing?

Tch. Naah.

We can’t have sex Hatake.

That’s what you keep telling me.

We can’t! There are lines that shouldn’t be crossed.

You mean like the line where we are one side of it, and then on the other side is someone who calls me at ten o’clock at night and forces me to go to the store and buy tampons and bring them to some random guy’s house because they forgot them at home and are wearing a new pair of shorts?

Honestly, that was so long ago.

Right. So then it’s kind of like the line between washing all your underwear at your own house, or bringing literal baskets full of them to mine because you don’t like going to the laundromat? How, no.  _ Why _ do you even have so many?

Various occasions. Also, quit making seem like this is all my fault. How about the line between me having a shower, and you taking a shit in the same room?!

It’s the shower curtain.

What?

The line. It’s the shower curtain. Now, if I were to shit  _ in _ the shower with you in there, that would definitely be crossing a line.

…

What?

No words. I have no words.

I just don’t get the big taboo. I want to put my dick you. You want my dick in you. It’s not like I’m asking you to run away and start new village with me so that we can be free to be together without judgement, raise a family together that will eventually return to Konoha, taught all of our combined skills, and usher in a new era and way of thinking about love, that will eventually lead to a revolution wherein governments across all the different nations begin to topple and be replaced by new, democratic bodies that we, their parents, wouldn’t even be capable of imaging were possible.

Did- what?

I’m telling you its just sex, Sakura. Keep up.

Err, okay. I just don’t want anything to come between us, Hatake. I know you feel the same way. At the same time, avoiding it like this clearly isn’t working. We could, I don’t know. Have like, an actual serious conversation about it?

No time like the right now.

Would you… kiss me?

Now?

No. I mean, during the… the sex.

Uhh yeah. What are you, stupid? 

Whoa! I just mean, some people find that too intimate for casual sex.

More intimate than a part of my body, being literally inside of your body?

Hm. So you would then?

Sakura. I would kiss you after you ate one of those onion bagels with spinach.

Uhhg! Why would you say that? I’m so hungry.

I would kiss you in front of Tsunade.

Holy crap. A real thrill for danger huh?

I would kiss you while you were in the shower and I was taking a shit.

That’s not-

I’d really like it if you asked me to kiss you right now too.

Hatak-AHHHHHHHHHHGLLGLGLGGLGLGGLGFFFFBBBBBB!

PPBBBLLLGGGGGSSHHHBBBB!

“Are you two alright?!”

WHAT THE DEMON SHITTING BALLS OF HELL WAS THAT!?

“Sorry! I know, it’s a really powerful hose. One of the chuunin got hit with this a few days ago and this was all we could do to get him out of it.”

Can you just- just hold on a moment please, uh… hose-weilding ninja.

“It’s actually Hitasu.”

Of course it is.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

HATAKE! I need your help!

Fuck Sakura. What?! Are you alright?

Huh? Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just my mom-

Oh my god! What-

No! No, she’s fine. It’s just that she’s having this party at the… house…

...yeah?

And, uh, well… my aunt and grandmother are going to be there…

...okaaay…

And I told them that I…

That you what?

I’ve got a… boyfriend.

Is this about to go where I think this is about to go?

Oh my god.

So you just barged in here, practically tore my front door off the hinges, made me think the village was being attacked by giant werewolves-

That’s what you went to first?

Yes! Always! So you came here, to my house, in the middle of the day, because you needed a fake bo-

It’s happening again. Help me Hatake! The universe is winning!

...will there be pudding?

I’m leaving.

What about-

I’m telling them I’m gay.

oOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo

Are you done?

I think so? I mean, I’m obviously leaving out some things, oh! Like when we-

NO! Stop. This is madness. No more. Let’s just… do it.

Right now?

Yes! Right now. Just, take off your clothes.

Uhh, you mean  _ now _ now?

What is wrong with you! Take off your fucking shirt, pull out that offsensively well-built cock of yours and take me your bedroom before I- who is standing behind me right now?

“S-SSakura-chan?”

Oh, hi, Iruka. I see you’ve brought over some possible future students for me to meet. Can I introduce Sakura, who is definitely not my student and never was even for a single moment at all ever?

Hi, Iruka-sensei. I’m so sorry you had to… exist at the same time as that. I think Hatake has some chocolate in the bottom-left cupboard.

Right. You’re most likely going to need to bribe them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one more to go...


	7. Conversations (Part FUCK) with KakaSaku

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This has fuckin', saying fuck possibly even more than before, and also I snuck in some sorta adorbs-sorta cheesy-sorta fluffy what nots.

HA! Why would you do that? You two are supposed to be friends!

Well, ahh, haha. What are friends for, right?

Wow Hatake. I really needed that, you know? What happened today… it was really hard.

Yeah. You’re tougher than it though, Sakura. It’s not the first time and it won’t be the last, it probably won’t get any easier, and some of the hurt will always be there-

OK, well this isn’t really very helpful.

-BUT, I don’t think there is anyone else out there who can take all that shit, and still be strong enough to just keep moving, willing to pick up more as you go. You aren’t just doing it for them. It’s for everyone who wouldn’t be able to handle what you do, too.

Thanks. Hatake, I-

Yeah…

I think-

Mmhmm…

Ahh! What the fuck! No! Did we really almost- UHG! You need to leave!

God fucking damnit! Just got the one eye Haruno, kind of need the other one.

Oh my god.

Here we go.

Oh my god... I LIKE you!

I could be wrong, but I think we have already had this conversation.

No! Nononono NO! I  _ like _ you! I mean, obviously I have a significant interest in you being naked, and also I myself being naked at the same time, but no! Fuck! You absolute piece of shit! I fucking LIKE you!

...what came after the naked part?

I’m going to cry.

Please don’t.

NO! This can’t be happening. Hatake. This is a problem. I think... I think I want to like, date you.

Well, I mean, if you’re paying-

UHG! Call a doctor, a psychiatrist. A fuckin’ brain, like, amputator! There is something seriously  _ wrong _ with me.

Seems like it.

I can’t believe I like you. YOU! Fuck. Just, get the hell out of my house.

Awe, but I’m having such a good time.

I should have listened to my mother and became a hairdresser.

Yeah, that would have a great idea. Seeing as how Sasuke’s haircuts always go so well.

Stop! Just, stop being funny, and adorable. Stop being so fucking attractive and knowing it but not knowing it at the same time. Don’t let me read your mind by looking at your stupid, gorgeous face. Definitely stop being there every time I feel like I can’t take it anymore. Stop picking me up when I’m down, stop making me laugh when I want to cry. Stop being the only fucking person I can rely on, no matter what. Stop making me feel like you’re the only person I can trust when I get so fucked up I can’t walk home. Stop letting me come over and wake you up at three in the morning because my shift didn’t go well, and stop having my favourite kind of tea at your place, always, when the only thing you drink is coffee. Stop making me feel like maybe… maybe this could be, something. Just fucking stop, Hatake. I’m an idiot, and I can’t take it.

Alright.

Huh?

Alright. I can do that, incredibly long list of things. You might need to write it down for me actually. Obviously though, you’ve got to do your part too.

What?

If I’m going to stop being, as you said, so fucking attractive, direct quote by the way, then you need to stop making me want you even after getting dragged through the mud, wearing sweat-stained clothes, and covered in god knows what.

What?

Sakura. If you want me to stop letting you in at three in the morning, then stop looking like sin even after a 12 hour shift. Promise me your eyes won’t get all squinty and cute when you smile, and I won’t be willing to do or say pretty much anything to make you laugh.

Ha-

_ Most _ importantly, stop getting dressed up with Ino and too wasted to walk, and I won’t need to come get you and take you home before some other idiot-

You mean a different idiot than you?

Yes, not  _ me _ the idiot, a different one, -tries to. Stop being exactly who I want to see when I don’t want to see anyone, and I promise you, I will stop trying to make you see what this really is.

Shit.

You show up here after a long day, and all I can smell on you is my least favourite place in the world. Most of the time you’re either pissed off or half-asleep or about to cry, and I really only spend time here when I’m purposely trying to avoid people-

Whoa, government secrets, Hatake.

Funny. I should hate this. You’re loud, and punch-ey. You literally called me  _ once _ before bursting in here, and I’m positive you only did it as a prank because you were already standing outside. When I let you shower here, it’s like a crime scene. Nothing in the fridge is sacred when you’re around. How many times have you heard me say  _ I was saving that _ ?

Probably only like, t-

NINE! Nine times, and I’m not exaggerating here, I have literally  _ killed _ people for less. The number of absolute losers I’ve watched you grind up on is embarrassing, mostly because you are a terrible dancer, but also, come  _ on _ . I’ve been to more bars since you were old enough to drink just to pick you up, than I have for any other reason.   
You don’t even like going to bars.

I know!

Is it over? I don’t know how to process this.

You’re a shitty singer too. And you sing really loud. Combine that with the shower-slash-crime scene thing.

Everyone sings in the shower!

That’s why I don’t let anyone shower here!

…

So it doesn’t even make sense to  _ me  _ most of the time, why I don’t want to turn you away. If I could have a drink with myself, other me would be that guy saying  _ I don’t know how you put up with it _ . And yet... every single time I see you take that first sip of tea, all I want to do is keep that look on your face as long as I can. Oh yeah, I brought it back to the tea thing. I  _ know _ you know how I feel about you.

I know that you don’t have second dates, Hatake.

Then just give me one.

You’re paying.

Ummm, actually, you know what-

Alright.

Yeah?

Yeah I guess, one single time, you and me can do something together… and call it a date, or whatever.

That sounds, pretty lame.

There is a really good chance this ends fucking  _ horribly _ .

What’re you, chicken?

Regret. That’s what this feeling is.

So, here we are. Again.

Yep.

Outside your place.

Mmhm.

After our…

Our date.

Yep.

So…

Hm.

Normally you would just barge in like a pissed off buffalo, so I’m not exactly sure what I’m expected to do right now.

It was going so well.

I personally really enjoyed the part where we got the food for free because you subtly reminded the owner about his son being a piece of shit.

That really did it for you, huh?

Never been so turned on in my life.

We’re actually going to do this.

Ahh, well. I mean, I  _ guess _ , if you really want to.

Says the man who has basically had a hard on for the past two years straight.

Says the woman who has been complaining about guys not knowing how to get her off for her  _ entire life _ .

So you’re saying you think you could?

Sakura. You  _ know _ I will.

We should probably...

Right.

Go, inside?

Hm. Hopefully I remembered to tidy up the sex dungeo-mmphfftt! What in the hell is wrong with you?

What! I’ve been trying to  _ not _ kiss you for the better part of my adult life, and now you-

Yeah! And you’re going to do it with my mask on? You wanna just dry-hump each other when we get in there too?

As if you’d have any trouble-

Sakura. We don’t talk about that.

Maybe  _ you _ don’t.

“Uhm, all of this, incredibly disturbing, flirting must seems uhm, great, but would you two kindly do it where the entire fucking building can’t hear you?”

Maaa, our apologies Chuudan-san, we were just about to-

“I’d  _ really _ rather not know, Hatake-san, Haruno-san. If you don’t mind.”

We are truly sorry, and err, hope the kids are doing well.

“Appreciate it, Haruno-san. I’ll go check on them now. Try to make them stop running around yelling  _ sex dungeon _ . Sigh.”

Have a nice evening, Chu-san. And might I suggest chocolate?

Great. Now you need to find a new place to live.

What are you talking about? Those kids are geniuses. I should really get a sex dungeon.

Shut up and get in the damn apartment.

...I’m going to do disgusting, utterly depraved things to you when I open this door, you know that right?

I’m counting on it, Hatake.

I was imagining some kind of, I don’t know, attack-like make out session to start the moment we got in here.

Yeah, no, I know. It’s just… I feel like we’re forgetting something.

Oh, what? Did you forget to turn the fucking oven oooooooooh my god!

Oh my god!

Shit!

I’ll get the windows.

I’ll trap the front door.

Do you think we should reinforce the walls?

I don’t know! You can’t expect me to understand the mysterious cock-blocking ways of the universe! We were sprayed by a hose! It’s too unpredictable!

You’re right. Recon the perimeter, I’ll handle base and we’ll rendezvous here in five.

Got the job done, Hatake?

You’re not going to believe this, but I think I saw your mom out there.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if she had planned a surprise family reunion across the hall at this point.

It’s kind of late for a family reunion to start now-

HOSE!

You’re right.

I guess we’re all set then, huh?

Seems like it.

I’m going to suck your cock until you forget what it feels like to not have my lips around it.

Holy fu-

Sorry, I was just testing the waters. I guess the traps are working.

...so is that off the table then?

Not if you take off your mas… hi.

Hi.

I like your face.

Must be a relief.

Yeah, I mean, this whole thing was hinging on that three inches under your mask.

Guess I’m pretty lucky then.

I probably just never would have spoken to you again if you had weird teeth.

Whos saying I don’t?

Your smile.

Sorry, can’t help it.

Me either.

I’m gonna touch you now Sakura.

This is crazy.

I know. Do you like this?

Your hands feel fucking amazing. Help me take my shirt off?

Is this real life?

I’m not actually sure. Wanna find out in your room?

I’m not sure the answer is in there, but  _ fuck _ yes.

Can I undress you, Hatake?

Stop calling me that and I might consider it.

Calling you what?

Not Kakashi.

You couldn’t have mentioned that sooner? It’s like, an automatic thing! Now I’m going to fuck it up and end up screaming your family name when I come.

I really don’t think you will. You look fucking beautiful, Sakura. Fucking perfect.

You wouldn’t be saying that if you saw me before I shaved this morning.

Look, you missed a spot.

Fuck you Ha-Kakashi.

I like that.

Yeah? Then you’re probably really going to like this.

Whu-oh fff-fuck. Sakura, I, I need to sit.

Go on then. Don’t think it’s going to make it any easier.

You’re probably right, but at least I won’t break anything when I lose motor function.

Best to be safe. Are you going to shut the fuck up and let me give you the best head you’ve ever had in your life now?

…

Good. I can’t believe I’m finally- what the fuck.

What?

You get hard if I fucking  _ look _ at you the right way and now-

I’m sorry! I had to jerk off like, three times before we went out to prepare for this! It’s been… you know, let’s not talk about how long it’s been.

That’s adorable. What did you think about while you did it?

Literally  _ exactly _ this.

This?

Fuck.

Did you think it would feel like this to have my mouth on you, Kakashi?

Hn, it’s better. Fuck Sakura, your mouth feels so much better.

Hmmmmnnmnn

Oh god, you look so fucking, ahhh, so fucking good sucking me. S-Sakura, fuck!

Ah, I knew you’d have a filthy mouth.

Counted on it, didn’t you? Wanted to know how much I love seeing you-ah, ahhn, fuck.

Maybe I just wanted to see if I could get you to shut the fuck up for once, huh? Kakashi.

That’ll do it.

Mmhm.

...I want to see you choke on it.

Well that’s unfortunate. Since I don’t have a gag reflex.

I’m going to come.

Don’t you fucking dare.

Let me fuck your throat, Sakura-chan.

Mmmah- ah. 

I’m so conflicted

Hmmph?

I want to touch you, but I’m not physically capable of taking my cock out of your mouth right now. Fuck, I want to see how pretty your face looks covered in my come. Let me see. Fuck. Let me see your tongue, Sakura. Wanna see that mouth that always denying me finally swallowing my come. Fuck. Ooh, shit. I’m-

Hey.

Nnn. So, so close.

I know. You look like you need a break.

Get up here, want you on top of me.

Geez, it’s called  _ foreplay _ H-Kakashi! Oh.

Yeah, I’m not going to take this slow. You can take these two fingers though, right Sakura?

Yeah… yes.

What’s got you so wet, huh? Slipped my fingers right in.

Oh my god, ahhhn.

Tell me what got you so wet, and you can ride my fingers. Fucking tight.

I-I like, I wanted-

You wanted my come in your mouth huh?

Nnnmmm, yeah. I did.

Shit. How did I get this lucky?

Kakashi, ahh. I want, mmmm.

Sakura.

Ah-ah-ahk-Kaka-ahn-

Sakura, I need you to tell me you want to get fucked. Tell me you need my dick.

Ka-ahhnn, mmff-fuck-

Sakura now.

Fuck m-ahh!

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Wait, wait. No! Seriously stop. Stop moving, hnn. Fuck. Sakura, stop.

Kakashi! You said-

I can’t help it, alright? You’re gonna-ahh, gonna have to forgive me.

Wha- ah!

You’re just as fucking tight and hot as I imagined, Sakura-chan. Fucking take it. Goddamn, sexy little body just waiting for me to fuck it.

‘S hard, Kakashi. 

I know, fuck. I’m sorry, baby, ahhh. I need this. Need to finally fill you, fuck you’re so tight. You’re sucking me in, sucking me like you want my come, Sakura.

Kakashi, I’m not-

Sakura, say my name again.

Kakashi.

Good girl. You like the way my fingers rub you while I fuck into you?

Feels so good, Kakashi.

Fuck, that’s good. So good, Sakura. Look so fucking pretty trapped beneath me.

Kakashi, ah.

Need you to tell me. Tell me you my fucking come in your tight pussy baby.

I’m not- Kakashi! I w-

Shh. I’m gonna make you scream until morning, all right? I’m gonna give you my come now though. Need to. Fuck, I-fuck.

Oh, oh my god, Kakashi!

Fuck! Fuck, t-take, oh fuck Sakura.

  
  
  


That was probably the best cumulative 5-7 minutes of my life, Kakashi.

You’re not a very nice person, Sakura.

Oh shut up. You know you love me.

Hmm.

How long until you’re ready to go again?

Errr…

—-aaaand you’re already hard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you for being able to get through these four parts. It started easy, but got really tough; the sex part was really just a test about whether I actually -could- write such a visual situation without actually describing anything, letting only the characters tell you whats happening. It turned out super outrageous, pretty nonsensical and straight-up weird at times, but I had fun. If you have a writing style, trying fucking with it. Do something stupid. Something that only makes sense to you, and then don't worry about it.   
> Hope someone had fun (other than me of course, because I clearly did) ;)


	8. Naruto Ideas Dump/Poop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, don't even read this. Or do? I don't know. It's only here so that I could finally put these ideas out of their misery. Now that they can die here, I don't have to think about them anymore. Maybe someone else can get something out of them.

**Bound**

“You’re married, Hatake.”  
He pauses with a groan, cockhead already pressing at her entrance.  
“I am. And so are you, Haruno.”  
He looks into her eyes with a question.  
“Are you asking me to stop?”  
She inches forward, allowing the tip of him to dip inside her.  
“I'm asking if you think you can.”  
With a growl, he thrusts himself inside her to the hilt.

————————————————————

**Distracted**

“...and if they aren’t compensated then the previous four stages of development aren’t going to god damned matter- Hatake? Exactly why the hell are you not listening to me?”  
“Hmm, you see, Haruno, I’ve become concerned that, well... _that_ , isn’t part of the Jounin uniform design I approved.”  
“M-my apologies, Ka-uhh, Hokage, I-”  
“Maaa, I’m starting to think I should have done things differently.”

——————————————————— 

**TCG: Times Change, Guys** Sakura begins to realize what it means to be a celebrity after discovering something strange. The story (which I never could get out, obviously), revolves around the lives of our heroes, specifically Team 7, but of course the rest of the ‘cast’ as well, and how each of them struggle with normalcy post-war, when everything about their world has changed. I always wonder... was Kakashi the one who put all the government money into industrialization? I mean, Naruto sure as shit never had a gameboy, but who knew Kakashi was a capitalist (lel). It’s like, ahh well. Didn’t wanna have to be Hokage, but now that I am I might as well start a technological revolution or whatever. (I mean yeah, it was probably either because with the villages working together rather than at war everything would be able to advance much quicker, or Kishimoto just said ‘and they have computers now, because the youth’ ...but I think my idea is more fun)

Did 12-year-old Sakura ever think that she would become a celebrity? Dream of rubbing shoulders with people so high up the class ladder they stood above the law? Fuck no. Hell, the mere concept of ‘fame’ was so different pre-war, the post-war experience she has now should be called something different entirely. If she wanted to, she could have it changed.

Civilians started calling out her name at first, and then arguing to pay for things at restaurants and stores became the norm. She supposed it was due to the decree to decrease secrecy, people are less afraid of what they know. Team Kakashi, apparently, made for the perfect symbol, guinea pig if you ask her, to bridge the gap. Nin-Civ relations skyrocketed, led to fewer crimes and more interest in the academies. Sakura had gone about her life believing what they were experiencing, was basically the same thing pre-war nin got when they earned renown and a cool nickname. She didn’t begin to grasp the reality of the situation until a fair few months after the war, when she spotted photos of herself and her team printed on little cards, selling for twice the price of the energy drink she was buying. She must have looked shocked, or disturbed, because the shop owner actually let her pay for them without too much of a fuss.

“Ahh! Fuck! What the fuck Sakura! I thou-”

“What the fuck is this!”

In a daze, Sakura shunshined from her spot at the store directly in front of Naruto, startled him into cursing (gasp), and proceeded to shove her purchase directly in his face.

“Get this the heck outta my face, I can’t even see it how can I know what it is? Where the heck did you come from anyways? Can you like, shunshin to each of our chakra signatures or something? Awe! That would be so sweet! You really do care Saku-chan.”

“What? No. Shut up. I just knew you’d be here obviously.”

“Oh. Awe.”

“Naruto, look alive. What the hell are these?”

She handed him the box, and once he finally took it, he grinned.

“Yeah! I love these! Look, I’m _super_ -rare!”

The photo of Naruto had a sparkling background. She wasn’t about to lie to herself and say it didn’t look cool, it seemed to be taken the day Pein attacked, and Naruto stood atop the giant toad with his arms crossed. Who-

“Who the fuck had time to take this that day?”

——————————

**All Wrong** I really wanted to be able to hack this multi-chapter epic, but here we are. After a juutsu goes wrong in their final bid against the Ten-Tails (trope), a group is sent back in time (trope). There is no going back, and now their adult lives will be lived out in the wrong time (trope). I just wanted to do some Sakura-centric ship exploration other than KakaSaku, in a situation where this unlikely group would be all but forced to bond… because I would be forcing them to bond, obviously. Hm. I sure do love a cussin’ Sakura.

“Sasuke...”

Once they all came to, for the most part anyways, it quickly became clear just how completely and astonishingly wrong the jutsu had gone.

“Sakura, hang on now-”

When Sakura's eyes narrowed and her head turned slowly towards him, Sasuke attempted to explain what he thought had happened.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED BUT DURING THE WAR THEY TRIED A JUTSUU AND IT SENT THEM BACK IN TIME AND THIS IS WHERE IT WOULD EXPLAIN THAT /end Trope.exe.

“My best guess would be, we were the right group of people for something like this. That must be why-”

Sakura was not about to allow that statement.

“In what fucking universe Sasuke! Tell me! In what _fucking_ universe, are WE the right group of people for this! We aren't the fucking right, fucking group, of fucking people, for anything!”

“You seem upset.”

“FIRST of all, he, is a fucking idiot.”

It was, admittedly, difficult to argue with.

“That absolute shithead has been pretending to be asleep since we fucking got here.”

Also true.

“You are a goddamn asshole.”

He took offense to that. On the other hand... it wasn't exactly the first time he'd heard the word being used to describe himself.

“And he is fucking DEAD!”

Checkmate. Four in a row.

“Haruno-san, if I may-”

“I swear to everything that is good in this world Sasuke if he says another word to me I'm going to kill-steal you so fucking hard-”

In his fake-sleep, the one on the ground made the mistake of allowing a noise of amusement to pass through his lips. With his back to the rest of the group, his eyes popped open in alarm, immediately recognizing what he had done.

“Is this fucking funny to you?” The demon woman spat. “You're the only one here who could actually offer something useful, but you're too fucking use-less for it to even matter!”

Shikamaru is a genius. That is literally his _thing_. Yet, he found himself unable to decipher whether or not what Sakura said had been a compliment, or an insult.

“It's an insult, dickwad. I literally fucking hate all of you. So much.”

“Honestly, I thought of you as being a much calmer person than this. Look. Uchiha- uh, that Uchiha, still has the Rinnegan. Re-open a portal and maybe we can just, choose a different start point. Fuck, this is so troublesome.”

“About that. There isn’t actually anything there.”

“Sasuke. What the fuck you mean 'there isn't anything there,' I know there is something there. There was literally just here! Our here was very recently that there!”

“It hasn't happened yet, alright! There isn't anything there, because -that- didn't happen yet!”

“I think. I think I need to sit down.”

“Haruno-san, please. I have some water-”

“Uchiha Itachi is offering me water from his personal canteen. Fuck. This is just hell, isn’t it?”

“Think of it this way, Ugly. You already put up with one traitor, at least this one is polite.”

“Well Sai, I suppose if I’m dead and in hell… at least I know the rest of you are too.”

“Is that a complime-ow!”

“No more talking.”

——————————

**Two Sentence Summaries**

Sometimes, Ninja are asked to do very strange things.  
More often though, they simply do them on a whim.

Things were different in the new Konoha, after the attack changed everything.  
Ino found she couldn’t really blame them for the rumors about what happens in Team 7’s cabin after dark, in fact, she was actually kind of jealous.

Most people wouldn’t start a story at the very end, but lying on the ground covered in blood that may or may not be entirely hers, is precisely where this one did.  
At least, that’s what she thought before she heard him through the pain.

The Akatsuki were teammates in name alone; each one of them only there to further their own goal.  
Until those two brats came along and fucked everything up, that is.

——————————

**He Was a Prude** I will eternally ship a trouble pairing based on the aforementioned best fic ever written. This conversation was part of a headcanon I considered, was into writing something a bit wistful, a bit sad, a bit bleeding heart, but could never find the place for it in a story. Enjoy? I guess... 

“Why do you do this? Come out here with me, I mean.”

“Do you honestly think I’d be happier in there?”

“Yeah, actually. I kind of do, surprisingly.”

“Alright well then, I'm a masochist? Or is it sadist? Maybe both, I don’t fucking know.”

“I can’t think about him without thinking about… fuck. I’m such a piece of shit.”

“I’m already regretting this conversation, but what the hell is wrong with you. What are you talking about?”

“I don’t think- I mean, if he were still here... I don’t know if I ever would have forgiven you. Or him.”

“Yeah. Well, people fuckin’ dying has a way of changing things.”

“I’m serious. How can I sit here with you, sit there with _Lee_ and talk about him like everything that happened just... didn’t, when he had no say in it. ”

“He loved you. He was haughty, self-righteous, and unendingly troublesome in almost every way, but it was obvious. Even through his shit personality.”

“He was yours. Even when he was mine, he didn’t belong to me. I’m not a complete sad sack. I know how he felt about me, and there was love there. I could never take him from you though.”

“You didn’t need to. He left.”

“Exactly! So how can you sit here with me now? Trying to cheer me up like I wasn’t there to see you shitfaced and wallowing and begging for him.”

“What do you want me to say? I hate you forever because the only person I ever…”

“Loved? Yeah. You had that. I don’t know how no one saw it. I kept him company, and you kept him alive. He saved my life more than once, but he would give his own for yours in less than a heartbeat.”

“We couldn’t. It doesn’t matter what there was between us, really. You’ve got to know at least that I sure as hell didn’t let him go. He chose you.”

“I can’t help but think, if he knew… he would have chosen differently.”

“Ten, don’t-”

“No Nara. You fucking don’t. Let me goddamn say it. I loved him so much. Every fibre of me, every part of him. I wanted it, his love, so.. so badly. But I knew. As soon as I saw you that night, looking like a goddamn wreck and screaming insults from outside the gates. You wouldn’t have known shit from sugar at the time, but I saw everything. I was fucking lying to myself. He was _with_ me, sure, but he wasn’t really there except when it came to you. You’re the one he let climb over his stupid fucking walls. The only one.”

“Are you done? Fuck. Thanks for bringing that up again, but don’t be an idiot. He didn’t let me do fucking anything, it was _always_ a fight. You’re fucking romantizing it, like nearly drinking yourself to death and taking on so many missions you wind up in the ER are signs of a good relationship.”

“You’re just both too fucking stubborn to get out of your own ways.”

“You think that’s it? Think it’s some stupid girly novel like you clucking hens are always blathering on about? It’s not a fucking fairy tale, never was. It was fucking hell, every goddamn minute of it.”

“Is this how you cope? Doesn’t seem healthy.”

“Yeah? I’m not the one trying to make it all mean something that it never did. I loved him. You loved him. He put up with both of us, sort of, and now he’s fucking gone. If you want to think it was all a lie or temporary or whatever the fuck fantasy you come up with, then that’s all you’re going to get. Because there’s no more to the story. That’s it. Speculate all you want. I’m gonna take it for what it was. A lesser man might be offended, you know. No one can talk about what it was between me and him. It was ours, and now it’s just mine, alright? Fucking own your part already, because I’ve got no fucking delusions about things being different if he was still here. You’d still be avoiding me at all costs, I’d still be fucking around drinking and smoking too much, and he’d still be denying me a goddamn minute of time like he always was.”

“What the fuck was it then! Why couldn’t I get him to look at me the way he did you? If it was so hopeless, why… why did he get so tense whenever you were around? Why did you have to take everything out of him, so all I had to work with was the leftovers. I don’t fucking get it. How can you talk about him like this, when I know… I know it was more than that.”

“Are we doing this?”

“Yes! I need to know. Tell me what happened between you two, help me. I can’t stop the thoughts, just fill in some damn blanks so I don’t need to anymore.”

“Damn sappy women. Just stop crying. For starters, we were just kids. Even stupider than we are now.

“I remember. I was there.”

“He got fucked up on a mission. I got fucked up worse. We lost someone. Damnnit. We were too fucking green for what it was, a failure before it even started. The short version is that, much like everything I do, it all started because I was bored. We went through some shit getting back from that mission, took a long, long time.”

“I remember that too.”

“I swear, not a fucking word came from his mouth for three whole days. I _needed_ something to take my mind off of it all, and trailing along after him like a three-legged puppy was pissing me off. I felt disgusting, like shit that got shit on, and yet there he was, nearly as dragged through the shit as me, and I kid you not, we walked into the sun and I got blinded by glare that bounced off his hair. It took me a literal day to brush mine when we got back.

“He was always like that. Ass.”

“Right? I just wanted to see him frazzled. Decided I’d occupy my mind with figuring out the best ways piss him off. Turns out I was a natural at it. It only took about another day or two of constant whistling, loud eating, word-vomit and off-color jokes to figure out he was kind of a prude.”

“Since day one.”

“I think I was trying out spitting all the time when he said something like _Nara, in this entire galaxy I don’t believe there is person I’d rather make this journey with less than you_ and started listing all the things he would prefer over spending another second with me. It was fantastic. All I did was tell him he looked sexy when he got angry, and there it was. He absolutely _lost_ it.”

“God. He did though, didn’t he? Look so beautiful when he was angry.”

“Mm. I told myself it was just part of me trying to get a rise out of him at the time, but damn he looked good when he was telling me off. I got addicted to it instantly. It was too easy, all I had to do was turn everything into an innuendo or inappropriate compliment, and he’d sputter or trip or turn red or elseways make himself look a bit like the goof he was, and the moment he snapped out of it his entire focus was, I don’t know, straight up killing me, I think.”

“You’re probably right about that.”

“I’m not known to be super introspective or anything, but I could see it happening the longer we were out there. Caught myself looking at him for no reason. Asking him questions because I wanted to know instead of wanting to annoy him. I can’t tell you why he started answering though, because I’ve tried to figure it out and I don’t think I ever will.”

“He thought they were worth answering, obviously.”

“Trust me, they weren’t. I got sick. We were stuck in this town for a week, apparently. I mean, I was out of it the whole time so, not much of a bother to me. It was bad, and apparently it stressed him out. When I woke up, he was immediately pissed. You would think I almost died just to spite him. I really just wanted to shut him up, but I, you know… kissed him.”

“I assume it was effective.”

“Yeah. That’s how it always was with us though. I had to push and prod and poke to get anything, and when I did it was explosive. The closer he let me get, the harder he’d push me away after. He never wanted to want it. Wasn’t willing to give anything, unless he was just giving in. We didn’t agree on anything, I think. Didn’t like the same movies or music or food-”

“To be fair, let’s just admit that the movies and music he liked are absolute shit.”

“I know! I think he liked the rebellion of it all, even the fact that it was mostly just rebelling against his own desires. We were just really, really good at getting each other off.”

“I fuckin’ knew it.”

“What? He was a prude, not like it was too hard to blow his mind.”

“Are you trying to tell me you were just two dudes that hated each other, but loved each other’s dick? Somehow this is worse than anything I was thinking.”

“Come on, I’m not saying that, though sometimes that’s what it felt like. I guess we’re going to go deep here, troublesome. I love Neji because… because he made me feel like an idiot. I never figured him out. Even though I knew exactly how to get a rise out of him, how to make him scream, I couldn’t predict anything else. He never stepped back, always rose to the fight no matter how stupid it was. I loved seeing him take off his mask. Loved tearing it off of him even more.”

“I think I’m going to cry.”

“Didn’t we agree that you wouldn’t? You’re right though, it wasn’t just that. Sometimes we were just quiet together. I took him to the back fields sometimes, because he needed somewhere to just fucking relax, with all the stuff that was going on back then. He used to tell me things, let me keep some of his secrets. He never stayed though. Eventually it hurt more than I wanted to live with. He wasn’t going to lie in the grass and stare at the clouds and let me run my fingers through his hair forever.”

“I almost can’t believe that happened even once.”

“I took it for granted, that it did. I wanted what I wanted, wasn’t willing to give in the way he always was. Took me too long to realize that. I was constantly trying to break him… I never even considered that I needed to be broken some too.”

“What happened after Asuma, Nara?”

“After Asuma… I wasn’t a very good person. To anyone, but especially to him. I took from him constantly, it’s all I did. I felt like I needed him to make me OK. He told me I needed to help myself, and I wasn’t willing to try. He said, h-he said I needed to find my right. That he couldn’t be it for me. He was always coming to my rescue during those times. Stopping me from fighting with my dad, finding me passed out somewhere too drunk to talk. I was asking so much of him, without even asking if I could.”

“That’s fucking dark. Kind of proves me right though. If he didn’t want to be, he wouldn’t have been there. Sounds like it would have worked if you just pulled your socks up.”

“Nah. I was never going to be willing to do the shit you did. He made me feel too out of sorts, I couldn’t just talk to him about stuff. Had to be a fight. When he was done with it, he was done. You know how he was.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what? Not being a selfish dick like I am? For talking him down from the edge instead of trying to push him off it? You damn women always thinking _passion_ is everything, we sure had that enough to fill a bucket, but even I knew it was the quiet that made him most content.”

“He never stopped loving you like that. Probably always would have.”

“Like I said, we were kids, we went through hell, it was always explosive and well, we were each other’s first. It’s just biology. People are like that, but don’t act like he was some wishy-washy teenager who didn’t know what he wanted. When he made a decision-”

“That was it.”

“Yeah. So is this over? Can we just be done with this now?”

“I’m such a piece of shit.”

“Don’t do that. You’re at most a wet fart.”

“Wow. I guess that makes you the skidmark, huh?”

“Ouch. Don’t feel bad or some bullshit like that though. I hated you, you know. I hated you too.”

“Yeah I figured as much, when you yelled _that worthless woman will only ever be good for nagging you to death you fucking coward_ at the top of your lungs at two in the morning.”

“Ahhh, I guess it wasn’t one of my greatest moments.”

“I don’t know Nara, the parts about your skills in the bedroom were pretty… colorful, to say the least.”

“Uhhg.”

“You’re actually pretty alright. I still think you’re an absolute trash clan-traditionalist, sexist, entitled, lazy man-child… but you’re a good guy.”

“Damn troublesome woman… I’m only partially trash. ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmm, will I do the utterly depraved and downright trash LaLu fic next, or the NaLuLo one that will make me seem significantly less twisted? Only time will tell, but let's face it... it'll probably be LaLu ;)


	9. Bad, Cruel Girl with Ochako and...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is straight up cheating, practically remorseless, and will piss you off if you think there is a chance it will piss you off. All is fair in kink and fanfic. I'm not telling you who the ship is, so strap in or strap out... or whatever.

_This is the shitty mood board I made_   
_that gives everything away._

“Does he fuck you like this, Oh-chan?”

His voice vibrates in her ear, low sounds adding to the pleasure of him sliding between her legs. Momentarily distracted by a rough thrust, she doesn't need to consider for long before an honest answer is supplied. “No.” She doesn't add that _he used to_ and turns her thoughts away from it.

“That’s why you’ve got me, yeah? Bad girl like you, needs someone to make her scream and beg.”

She wonders what it says about her, that the dirty talk and lewd names are only hotter because they are true. “I am a bad girl.” A cruel girl might be more accurate, she knows, but he is thick and sexy and fucks her so, so well. She lets herself moan instead of correcting him, or herself. Bad is good enough, at least until she is left in her room alone with her thoughts.

“Fuckin’ sexy. You haven’t been fucking that poor bastard at all have you? Staying so, so damn tight for me.”

Kegels and his size probably have more to do with it, but another honest “no” comes out of her mouth on the tail end of a breathy gasp either way.

“Good. Ahh, so good. Wish he could see you yelling out my name.”

She feels herself clench around him as her back arches into his chest, fingers tangling tightly in the sheets of her bed and _whoa_. Kink-shame that one, internet.

“Listen to you. You fuckin’ like that, don’t you, Oh-chan. What a bad,” he pauses and leans into her for emphasis, “slutty girl.”

Relentless, he really is. Maybe because she’s kind of pissed off, and maybe more so because she wants to piss him off, she tells him to “fuck off.” He only makes a slightly jovial sound between his panting.

“Admit it. You want him to walk in here right now. Want him to see you taking me like this. Like you’re _my_ whore, don’t you?”

She digs her nails into his back and calls him an asshole for good measure, but only after he manages to loudly pull his own name from her mouth.

“You know I’d make you come while he watched, right? Wouldn’t stop fucking you just for that dickhead. Nah, I’d fuck you even harder.”

To illustrate the scenario, he spreads her legs wider and angles himself deeper. He fucks her hard, just like he said, and she asks him if he ever shuts the fuck up while begging every unholy power that got her into this mess to make him keep talking.

“Tell him how good I feel Ocha.”

What a narcissist. _He_ isn’t standing at her bedroom door like she has feared might happen almost every time she laid on her back, or on her knees, or against the wall, or with her ass up in the air with _him_ , and come on, “what kind of fucked up roleplay is this anyways?” He smirks, and to hell if she doesn’t remember exactly why she fell into bed with him in the first place. Fuck the consequences. Literally.

“Come on, be a good girl for once Oh-chan. Tell your boyfriend how much you love getting fucked by me.”

After glancing at the door once more because she might still have a lonely thread of propriety but also _damn he’s good at this_ , she does what she always does and gives in. “You’ve got the best cock I’ve ever felt.” So at least she still has her honesty.

“Hey I know it already. Tell him. Who will he curse for making his girl so fuckin’ wet, so fuckin’ bad behind his back. What if he doesn’t even know my name?”

“He does” seems to surprise him a bit, but not for long, and then that grin is darker, even more self-satisfied.

“Fuu-Uck! What I wouldn’t give to cover you in my come in front of him. Let him watch the way you love to take it. Fuck Ocha, wanna come.”

She’s close. But then again, she’s nothing if not a sucker for angry boys. Likes to see the cocky ones suffer and says “already” with a scoff. She chooses not to think about what exactly those thoughts make her.

“Bitch." He unknowingly supplies as the answer, before telling her to "turn around.” Sure, it was phrased like a request, but he’s already flipping her onto her knees when he positions her face towards the bedroom door.

If she hadn’t responded by asking him if he fucked his mother with that mouth, he might have been a little more gentle. “I think you’re harder over him seeing you than you are from fucking me.” She doesn't have to add, “You wanna fuck him too, is that it?” But she does anyway. He _growls_ and slaps her ass so hard she screams.

“Ohhhh-cha. You know I’d fuck anyone that was his. The fact that you’re fucking perfect and your pussy sucks me so goddamn good is just an added bonus.”

“So it’s a hate-boner then. Should I be jealous?” She imagines catching the guy she casually fucks and cheats on her boyfriend with fucking said boyfriend, lets out an accidental “Fuck,” and wonders why the hell the idea sounds so damn sexy. He slaps her ass again, but this time it's with his balls when he fucks into her so hard she nearly topples forward onto her face.

“Shut the fuck up and come on my goddamn dick already.”

What an eventful day of kink-discovery this has turned out to be. She knows it wouldn’t make any sense through her ragged breaths and moans if she tried to talk, so instead she rests on her forearms and imagines him walking through the door. Imagines the look on his face and her heart pinches up like it ate a sour grape; imagines how utterly livid he would be, can see it perfectly in her mind’s eye while listening to the increasingly desperate grunts coming from behind her, and lets out a truly pathetic moan. “I do want it. Want him to see me come for you.” She half-whispers the admittance.

“Yeah? Fuckin’ dirty fucking girl. At least tell him how it feels.”

All seven of the deadly sins swirl inside her head as she teeters at the edge of Mount Orgasm, a strong, heady ale that takes her inhibitions and flushes them down with that last remaining string of propriety she had. “Feels so fucking good.”

“Guess a slut can be a good girl after all. Fuck, you’re so fuckin’ sexy Ocha. Keep bouncing that ass on my cock. Such a good slut.”

He would lose his shit if he heard that, well, any shit he had left to lose after seeing them like this. Seeing his _sweet cheeks_ bent over on their bed for him, fucked-out and red faced with no plans for asking him to stop digging his long fingers into her thighs from behind. “Ahn, just don’t stop. I’m so close.” She lets herself fall forwards with the force of his thrusts, practically drooling but still unable to stop picturing him seeing her get used like this. She hadn’t meant to say “watch him come inside me” out loud.

“Damn. You’re really going to get it. Fuck, I’m done. Can’t hold it Ocha, gotta come.”

“I wanna feel it. Wanna have your come inside me.”

“Shit. Good girl. You’re gonna squeeze my cock in that tight pussy right Ochako? You’re gonna let him see his girl on her hands and knees like a whore for me? Coming for me? Ohh fuck! Feel me coming baby girl? Feel me fuckin’ blowing my load inside? Thats it, tell him whose dick is makin’ you feel so good, come on.”

“Fuck Hitoshi-i-i! Goddamnit do you like watching me come for him? Like watching me let Hitoshi come inside? Fuck I’m coming so hard for him, makes me feel so good baby.” There are about 2.4 seconds of pure bliss between that spilling out from between her lips and the embarrassment that he inevitably plucks out and makes worse.

“U-ra-ra-ka O-cha-ko! You fucking dirty girl. You wanna go again, he’ll be back for lunch soon right? Make that _vivid_ fantasy of yours come true?”

In order to crush his ribcage with her heel, she has to turn around to face him first. When that lengthy process is complete, she finds herself too lazy. Says “you look like fucking shit” instead and hopes it will feel basically the same.

“Thanks,” he says with a smug grin that tells her it didn’t. “Is it the hair,” he asks with the look of a very bored victim of recent electrocution. Time for him to go. She doesn’t like it when he looks cuter than he does dangerous.

“Alright I’m leaving. Just, before I go, there’s something I want to say.”

Again with the sour grapes and her heart. She really didn’t think this would happen, definitely not with him.

“You’re probably going to want to wear longer shorts while he’s around for awhile.”

It’s not what she thought he was going to say, thank fuck, but it nearly causes her heart to pound right out of her chest and she squeals like a little girl when she turns and sees the dark red handprint on her ass. “You fucking. Piece of shit.”

“Sorry not sorry. See ya, Oh-chan. Oh, and clean yourself up would you? Looks like you just got fucked or something.”

He is absolutely right, but at the same time “Hitoshi you are fucking dead to me.”

When he says “text me next time you feel like having an orgasm” it gets cut off by the sound of the door being kicked and tongue-swallowing dread.

She might laugh about Hitoshi’s eyes being all the way open for once if she wasn’t scrambling to come up with an answer for the shouts of “Why the FUCK did you lock the FUCKing piece of SHIT fucking door Ochako” reverberating through her body or the entire universe or whatever.

Clothes thrown on, Hitoshi shoved out the side door and sheets un-suspiciously rumpled, she takes off with a nonchalant “Sorry Katsuki! I’m coming!” She quickly thinks to herself, _phrasing_ while opening the front door to let him in.

“Sorry Kat, I was taking a nap.”

“For how long?”

“Huh? I don’t know, maybe twenty minutes?”

“Are you sure? Had to be at least an hour, right?”

“Huh?”

“I meant how long have you been fucking him.”

While her heart makes its way down to rest somewhere near her ankles, her face must have held a confused expression because he stopped to offer an explanation in her ear like a twisted bit of gossip on his way to the bedroom.

“Texted you an hour ago, _Oh-chan_. How many times have I got to tell you to keep that fucking thing charged.” He knows as well as she does that she hasn’t got a clue where her phone is right now, and he turns his around so she can see the screen.

_Got off early. Come unlock the door for me sweet cheeks._

“Katsuki-” They both know there isn’t anything she can say. An hour ago she was begging Hitoshi to fuck her while he licked between her legs and made her scream bloody murder and his name. It would have been damning enough if Katsuki had come home ten minutes ago, nevermind sixty. His calm is highly disturbing.

“In about two minutes, I’m going to grab some shit out of that bedroom, walk outside, put the shit on the sidewalk, count to ten, and then I’m going to come back in here, and blow this entire fucking block into pieces so small the goddamn moon telescope won’t be able to tell it was ever here. After that, I might let you try to salvage the past eight years of our fucking lives while I pour bleach into my ears and try not to wind up in jail for muder. Sound good?”

It very much did not. “It really doesn’t. Katsu-”

“One minute.”

She grabs her cell phone (on the coffee table, damnit) and takes off. Katsuki Bakugo isn’t the same guy she fell for in high school, but still. That boy does _not_ fuck around.

Uhg. _Phrasing_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even people who are accepting of all kinks are often against this particular kink. Also, I'm absolute Kachako trash to the death. Why did I do this? Where did Shinchako even come from me get your shit together.


	10. Overheard with Riren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is like, pretty filthy. Punishment, crying, like plenty of dub-con and an overdose of jerking off.  
> I prefer a subby Levi, but this just happened. I had no control over it and thus take no responsibility.

He has learned so much over the years simply by watching people who were stronger, older, or more experienced than himself. So you can't really blame Eren for what he did.

It's not like he could help himself. His room was right next to Levi's.

Eren always walked on eggshells around the captain. Sure, Levi was short and kind of scrawny, but damn. He could be so _mean_.

After being cooped up with the Scouts for a few weeks, Eren began to see there were other sides to his captain. While getting to know the man made him seem only slightly less scary, and barely any more approachable, Eren was more concerned when he started catching himself having strange thoughts about Levi at the oddest moments.

While getting yelled at over breakfast one morning, Eren realized he was staring at Levi's fingers, draped awkwardly across his coffee mug as though he were shielding it from something. He made himself look like a complete _idiot_ after being caught following the straps of Levi's uniform over his back and legs while the captain was giving details on a training exercise, and was only able to cover for his distraction by stuttering out that he was trying to see how they were meant to be worn. As if he didn't already know. People still gave him shit for it, offering condescending help whenever they suit up. One especially strange day, Eren stood dumbly like a mannequin simply watching as his captain scrubbed the floor on his hands and knees; he didn't even know how long he had been staring when Levi finally caught him doing nothing and gave him shit, kicked his ass and gave him even more work to do.

It's not like Eren was looking because he was _gay_ or something.

Levi had such a strong presence and was always demanding attention.

They were always at each other's throats. Eren pretty much hated the guy, and Levi was calling him a lazy brat or an idiot.

There weren't a lot of people around, even fewer girls.

There were plenty of explanations for why Levi always seemed to draw Eren's eye.

Finding out about Levi's dorky side, and that he actually had a sense of humor was surprising, but the more Eren got to know him as a person rather than just an officer, he only found the situation getting worse.

He started having even stranger thoughts. What might Levi look like without his clothes on, or maybe wearing nothing aside from his uniform straps? Would Levi's tongue taste like the coffee he was always drinking, or minty due to his obsession with cleanliness?

Eren wasn't attracted to his captain, hell no. Levi was just always _there_.

It was Jean's fault that Eren was in the position he was in now, naturally. That stupid horse-faced ass _would_ be the one to completely fuck up Eren's everything.

All he wanted to do was have a shower.

“Fuck Jaeger! Get the fuck out of here!”

“Auhck! What the fuck! Why! Why would you fucking do that here?!”

“Hey man, everybody's gotta rub one out sometime. No place like the showers.”

“No place- you're fucked in the head! Fuck!”

“Come on man, easy cleanup, and the water blocks out noise. It's the best option. Just- just get out of here already would ya?!”

“Bastar- shut up! You're gross!”

Eren got as far away from there as he could, and considered stealing some of Levi's precious cleaning supplies to pour into his eyes.

Unfortunately, a couple of wires in Eren's brain must have gotten crossed, and by the time he was back in his room that night, his head was swirling with thoughts of Levi and jerking off, and then Levi jerking off.

Everyone did it, so of course even a guy like Levi must do stuff like that too. It only made sense.

This new information didn't have anything to do with how hard Eren was all of a sudden.

He might have pictured what Levi's dark eyes would look like, what expression might be on his usually-blank face while he stroked himself, but that definitely wasn't why Eren was palming his own dick through his pants. When he thought about it, there was a chance Levi was touching himself right that moment too, just on the other side of Eren's bedroom wall. Of course, that wasn't what made Eren pull his dick out of his pants so he could grip it harder.

He was just pent up.

Even a week later, when Eren was suddenly moaning to himself and rubbing his dick raw, cumming into his bedsheets every night while various parts of Levi's body flashed through his mind, he still told himself the same things. Just pent up, always having that guy in his face, and definitely... probably not gay.

Levi pissing him off and making him look or feel like a dumbass was always either the first or second thing that happened to Eren each morning, so it wasn't too difficult to let anger or frustration overtake whatever it was that messing him up in his room during the night.

After a day that included an especially rough ass-kicking, Eren was just pissed off enough to not even consider letting that shrimpy asshole invade his brain for a moment more.

Then he heard it.

A nearly inaudible, tersely growled out _fuck_.

That one word was all it took to wipe Eren's mind like a faulty hard drive.

His ear was plastered to the wall before Eren could even think about what he was doing. He simply didn't have time for anything so trivial as rational thought, not when it was imperative that he get the chance to make himself cum to the actual sounds of Levi panting and moaning out breathy _fucks,_ even if it was from the next room.

Eren was dripping, wet for the sounds and the thought of what visuals might be going along with it. He put his hand between himself and the wall, careful to stay as quiet as possible while he fucked and rubbed up against his own palm. He held his breath and came against his hand and the wall, listening to Levi's pleasured _oohs_ and _mmms_ and quiet curses.

Eren finished first, but stayed in place until he heard Levi's breath catch, all those sinful noises jumbling together into a string, before leaving his post only to lie down in his bed, pants tented again already.

He licked his palm and fingers, tasting himself before quickly stroking to another orgasm and passing out satisfied.

He didn't even have enough energy to consider that the walls might be thin on both sides.

Eren mostly pushed thoughts of his nighttime shenanigans out during the day.

It might be more correct to say he momentarily repressed them. Sure, he felt an unwelcome twitch in his pants when the captain leaned back or stretched, causing his dick to push against his zipper, but Eren refocused quickly, knowing he could deal with it all in his room later. That is, until another squad showed up, and Eren was forced to share his sanctuary with Jean of all people.

He might as well have gone to sleep in the stables.

Needless to say, things started getting incredibly _hard_ after that.

Without the ability to relieve himself at night, Eren was on edge, to say the absolute least. A wrong glance was enough to rile him up for a fight, but the incessant awkward boners he was forced to try and hide all throughout the day were what pissed him off the most. He tried getting a grip, frustratingly figuratively, for nearly week before he finally caved.

Eren had been broiling over some transgression or another when he realized he was alone in the showers.

The goddamn showers.

Fucking horse-faced fucking Jean.

Allowing the water to continue running over him, Eren decided this would be his only chance and reached down his body, finding himself already stiff and waiting. He hadn't even noticed, and it pissed him off.

“Fuck you Levi,” he spat, biting back a moan at the feeling of his own tight grip. This was also his fault, after all. Every word the captain said was an opportunity for Eren to be reminded of hearing him cum that night.

The way Levi was always walking around so cocky, barking out orders.

Calling Eren a _fucking brat_ for any little thing he did wrong.

With his stupid, sweat-damp shirts sticking to his body.

“Fuuck. Levi.”

No one was even there to see it, and yet Eren was still embarrassed by how quickly he came. He finished his shower, not willing to acknowledge that Jean had been right about one thing at least.

No cleanup.

Another stressful week after his impromptu shower session, Eren was right back where he started. He nearly knocked Connie's head right off his neck when the little shit noticed a problem that had _arisen_ during a demonstration Levi was giving.

“Having to share rooms sure sucks, huh Jaeger? I feel you.”

Eren shoved his hands in his pockets and stormed away from the group, only replying to the captain's clearly pissed shout with a sharp “fuck off.”

He hid from everyone until they had all gone to their rooms for the night, too frustrated and angry to want to even look at his friends, and afraid of what might leap out of his mouth if Levi came anywhere near him looking to put him in his place for having a tantrum.

Creeping back to his and Jean's room, Eren followed a dim light through the pitch dark hallway, only realizing it came from Levi's slightly open door once he was stood in front of it.

He could hear him again.

There really wasn't anything else he could have done. Eren _needed_ to look. He was so sexually frustrated he couldn't even think.

Through the crack in the door, Eren saw Levi's profile, slouched deep into his desk chair with his head lolled back, shirtless and panting softly. It was all Eren could do not to cum in his pants at the sight alone, and grabbed himself tightly, allowing his eyes to drift over the captain's form. His arm was moving, but covered by the desk he was sat at.

Levi was stroking himself slowly. Unconsciously, Eren matched his pace after shoving his hand into his own pants while he stood in the hallway gawking. Eren nearly choked when Levi's hand stilled, only to start pushing his hips up off the chair, thrusting into his hand and running his unoccupied fingers over his chest.

Eren bit his wrist hard to keep from making a sound as he jerked himself into his underwear, unable to hold back any longer when Levi growled at his hand, or whatever he was imagining his hand was, to _fucking take it_.

Eren might have considered that he was maybe a little bit gay after all, but maintained denial easily since the sight had been so unfathomably erotic, he imagined there wasn't a person on the planet who wouldn't have cum for it.

He slept well that night, but it would be the last time he did so peacefully.

Eren was addicted. He was hard for practically the entire day. He lingered after dinner, staying up late and showering slowly in hopes of seeing what he had the night before again without even giving it a thought. He felt a giddy pleasure when he saw that same light, following it once more through the quiet hall back to his room.

Peering through the door that was blissfully cracked again, Eren's excitement was quickly shot down upon seeing the captain's room was empty.

He didn't even have time to turn around before an arm was wrapped around his neck, his own hands twisted to his back, and he was shoved into the room face first. He would have squawked, but Eren's body was used to slam the door shut, trapping him inside with his assailant. A scarred hand blocked his mouth.

Of course it was Levi. Practically a foot shorter than him, yet somehow intimidating with his expression alone. Eren felt almost like he was staring down a titan.

Levi was stronger than he looked.

“You want to tell me what the _fuck_ you're doing, Jaeger?”

“Ymmpffgh Ffggm Gfmh!”

“What? Uhg.”

Levi moved his hand away from his mouth, but only to repurpose it, pressing Eren's shoulder harder into the door.

“Damnit! I said you're hurting me.”

“Oh. I'm _sorry_. I happen to catch someone trying to sneak into my room at night while I sleep, I should have just let you carry on, yeah?”

“I wasn't fucking sneaking into your room!”

Leave it to Levi to provoke him, even in this hellish situation.

“Oh is that fucking so? Damn brat. What's so goddamn interesting about me sleeping then that you had to see, huh?”

Time did a flip flop, from the fast-forwarded anxiety he had gone through getting caught and slammed against the door, to this slow motion questioning that gave Eren just enough time to realize what was happening and the position he was in, without having the decency of giving him the extra seconds needed to come up with a solid excuse.

“Not- Uhh.”

Levi shoved him back into the door before stepping away.

“Tell me what you were doing. Now, brat. I don't want to have to kill you.”

“I w-, well I was- I wasn't even- FUCK!”

He was struggling, still feeling the heat from Levi's hands on his body, still having difficult believing he was actually in the captain's room. Levi apparently did not have time for him to come to his senses, and pushed him again, back against the door.

“Fucking pathetic brat. Wouldn't happen to have anything to do with _this_ , would it?”

In what would henceforth be known as the single most embarrassing moment of Eren's life, his hips snapped forward and he let out a noise that was a cross between a dying donkey and a five-year-old girl not getting a puppy. Levi had pushed his knee between Eren's legs, pressing his thigh up against his dick.

“That's what I thought.”

He couldn't help himself.

“Well why'd ya ask then if you already knew-Ah!”

It was followed closely by the second most embarrassing moment of Eren's life.

“Thought I might give you the chance to be a man, but I should have known you're just a fucking brat.”

Levi backed off and Eren could do nothing but try to escape from the whole situation.

“Where the fuck do you think you're going?”

He should have known it wasn't going to be that easy.

“Sorry! I'm fucking leaving. Just let me get the fuck out of here. I promise, it won't happen again.”

“You don't think you should be punished?”

“Whuu?”

“Do you honestly think you should just get away with being a filthy, perverted little brat? Walking around the compound with a fucking tent in your pants, moaning in your room like a whore every goddamn night?”

Levi seemed to know Eren would need a moment to catch on to what he was implying.

“Do you think I should let you get away with soiling the shared showers with your deviancy? Filthying your pants with cum while you watch your captain pleasure himself? Without repercussions?”

Eren, it seemed, was _fucked_.

“L-Levi, y-you don't understand. I'm n-not-"

His brain floundered in its attempt to keep up with the realizations Levi was implying. His captain knew what he had been doing, he _was_ a pervert. Levi was probably going to murder him and throw his body to the titans. Probably something even worse than that. Eren couldn't even begin to imagine the twisted things going on in Levi's head.

The captain wasn't impressed by his stuttering, grabbing Eren's chin with his long fingers and pulling him down to his level, pressing their bodies together, locking Eren in place where he stood with his other arm against the wall behind them. Eren could only blink, and Levi drew his hand away from his chin, sliding the tight grip down to his throat.

He really was equally terrified and ashamed, but that wasn't enough to stop Eren's body from being a traitorous bastard. He wanted to cry as soon as he felt his dick begin to poke at Levi's stomach, and forced himself to focus on not rubbing against him like a cat.

"Jesus. Look at you. A brat _and_ a whore."

Eren startled, tried to protest, but Levi only gripped and held him tighter. He felt precome leak from his tip and prayed it wouldn't mess up the captain's shirt. He was going to get murdered, why the fuck was he so hard.

"Jaeger, I've never seen anyone look so slutty in my life. It seems like you might actually _want_ to be punished. Lucky for you, I'm going to do it anyways."

Eren's fear meter began to rise, even through the inexplicable arousal.

“You seem to like watching me so much, how about I give you a front row seat?”

Eren was stunned stupid by Levi's words in his ear. His head went completely blank, Levi had turned him into a mindless drone with one sentence. He didn't even remember any words let alone actually being able to form one.

Levi smacked his cheek, startling him but not doing much to bring him back to senses. Eren rubbed his hand against the spot as Levi backed off, dropping himself down into the chair in the center of his room.

"Get over here Jaeger. Kneel in front of your captain."

Eren didn't move, too shocked and confused and aroused and so many other things he wasn't able to make sense of.

"You wanted to see my cock, didn't you? Well, a certain slut has had me hard all day long, and now you're going to watch me _relieve_ a bit of frustration."

_Holy shit._

"Don't make me say it again, Eren."

Eren dropped to his knees where he stood, but the pain of them hitting the wood didn't wake him up from a dream, or nightmare, like the thought it might.

"So you're stupid when you're turned on, I see. That's fine."

Levi got up to move the chair closer, and Eren could see he wasn't lying about being hard. From his place on the floor, he was eye-to-eye, or dick rather, with the captain as he sat back down in it.

Eren simply sat staring as Levi began to undo his pants, eyes squinting and pressing his thighs together when he felt his dick drip into his pants at the sight. He bit his bottom lip.

"Did you think I wouldn't notice? Drooling over me at every opportunity, seriously? Were you trying to drive me insane? Making sure to moan loud enough that I could hear you through the wall while you touch yourself; was that your way of begging me to come in there and fuck you or something?"

Eren could only shake his head, eyes locked on the way Levi's fingers snapped his buckle open, stroked his length slowly before pulling it out.

"Pretty." Eren wasn't sure if he thought or said it.

Levi make a choked sound as he pulled his fist over his cock for the first time, closed his eyes for a split second in pleasure, and Eren wondered how this could possibly be considered punishment. Seeing Levi stroke himself, eyes trained on him while he groaned, shirt hanging open to expose his body, hand clenching over his thighs, right in front of him. It was more like a gift from the gods of jerk-off material.

"I wouldn't have even known it was cock you were so desperate for if I hadn't seen you practically begging for me in the showers. Just how much of a tease are you, Jaeger? Such a brat. Mmmn."

His jaw could have hit the floor. Eren hardly even noticed himself reaching for his own aching dick, he was focused on watching Levi. He blinked for the first time in what felt like forever when he suddenly found his back smashed against the wall behind him once more. Levi pushed his foot into Eren's shoulder, forcing him to sit back onto his heels.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

Eren made a noise of complaint. He wouldn't admit to whimpering.

"This is a punishment, Jaeger. You're not being fucking rewarded." Levi leaned forward to speak in Eren's ear. "Try to touch yourself again and you're going to regret it."

"No. Levi. I can't. I need to-"

That apparently had been enough to tear actual words from Eren's mouth. Levi must be out of his mind, there was no way Eren would be able to just sit here. Levi's foot pressed his shoulder harder into the wall.

"I hate brats who complain. Don't make me regret making your punishment this light, Eren."

Something inside him compelled Eren to comply. He tried to accept this inhumane reality, and squeezed his eyes shut, only to feel another slap on his cheek.

"Eyes open, brat."

Eren's eyes worked overtime, trying to take in everything at once. Levi's pretty dick, the drop of precome at it's tip, the way he spit on his palm and spread it over himself, the look on his face, the way his fingers pinched at his nipples. His hand tried to work its way towards his dick again, but Levi's other foot quickly stopped him, holding it against thigh too far from where it wanted to be.

"Last warning. Fucking _look_ at you. Practically drooling. So desperate. You're about to cry, aren't you Eren."

He wouldn't be surprised if he was. Every small movement drug the fabric of Eren's loose pants over his shaft, giving him so far from the pressure he needed that it hurt. Levi's pace quickened.

“Ffuck. I can see how fucking wet you are. Goddamnit, you're the neediest looking thing I've ever seen."

It was torture. Eren was looked ruined. He wanted to scream but could only make sounds, felt his eyes and lips getting wet just like he could feel how messy he was making his pants. It didn't seem to be enough for Levi, he had to make it even worse.

"I should fuck you. Shove this dick in your ass so deep, fuck. Then you've something to fucking cry about.”

Eren never really thought about it, but felt his whole body tense up at Levi's words and he whined in frustration.

"Oh, you'd like that too much. Shit, keep whining for me, almost ready."

At this point, Eren was so desperate he struggled against Levi's holds, but was so weak with arousal he couldn't do much of anything. Levi had an evil smile.

"Awe. Poor thing. You want me to let you touch yourself? Use your words."

"Mmhmm. Y-yeah, yes. Levi, please. It hurts."

"Ooohf, fuck. Even saying please. Are you trying to get me cum faster, begging that way? You're worse than I thought, you really needed a good punishment, didn't you. I can't let you touch yourself, you need to learn your lesson. You've got such pretty fucking lips though, don't you Eren? Yeah. Pretty lips, and a pretty little tongue just begging for come."

Levi stood and slowed his strokes. Eren felt the strangest desire to have the captain in his mouth.

"You're going to be good for me now, aren't you?"

Eren opened his mouth, to say something or taste him, he wasn't sure. Levi groaned, using his free hand to push Eren's jaw closed.

"Naughty, n-naughty fucking brat. It's a punishment isn't it? You don't get to taste it."

With Eren's chin cupped in his palm, Levi jerked himself roughly.

"I'm going to drench your fucking face brat. Fuck. Can't wait to see that whiny face covered- sh-shit."

He both saw and felt the captain's cum splatter across his pursed lips, drip down his chin. Eren had to squint his eyes shut when it landed there, making his eyelashes sticky and warm. He felt dirty, but could moan at the feeling and the sinful noises Levi was making while he emptied himself over Eren's tear-stained face.

Levi used his grip under Eren's chin to move his face side to side, as if inspecting his work.

"Fuck. I've never seen such a thing. Have you learned your lesson, Jaeger?"

He couldn't be sure, still feeling Levi's seed drip down his face, still dripping into his pants and painfully hard, but Eren figured nodding was the best course of action.

Levi sat back down, smug and spent with his shirt and pants hanging open.

"Wipe the cum off your face, slut. Use your hand."

Eren never imagine he would be in this position, making even more of a mess as he tried to wipe another man's cum from his lips and cheeks.

"You could at least give me a towel or something, Levi."

"Shut it brat. I'm trying to reward you for taking this punishment so well. You can touch yourself now."

Eren looked down at his hand, spreading apart his fingers only to have the captain's fluids weave a web of stickiness between his fingers. It didn't take much thinking to figure out what Levi wanted him to do.

He missed the look in Levi's eyes as he pulled down the front of his pants, letting his cock spring free. He almost screamed the moment his cum-covered hand finally gripped his aching dick. He painted his own length with the captain's cum, slipping the head between his fingers to coat himself with it.

His held fell back with a moan of Levi's name as he came in three strokes, then collapsed, shaking on the floor.

Despite the rough treatment, Levi helped him pick himself after a few minutes, handed him a towel and told him he ought to get to the showers and his own bed. Eren was still fairly shellshocked as Levi ushered him out the door.

"Next time I hear you acting out, I'm going to fuck you into the goddamn ground, Eren. Consider this punishment a warning. If I have to bring you in here again, you won't _get off_ so easily."

Left alone in the dark hallway equipped with everything he needed to get himself cleaned up, Eren planned out the steps he would take to make Levi's threat a reality.

As it turned out, Eren was almost certainly gay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really don't ship anything in SnK other than Riren/Ereri and I love them in all of their fan-imaged forms.  
> Hope you were distracted for a bit. ;)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey neat, you seem to have read this. If you liked it, feel free to say so. :)


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